A Letter To You

Dear Family,

I am sad.

I am crazy, I am insane, I am mad.

Madder than the mad hatter.

I am walking aimlessly

In this "wonderland" I call my mind.

But its not really a wonderland at all.

Instead it is a prison

And I am so desperately trying to evolve it

Into something beautiful

Something that doesn't seem so miserable

Something so dark and scary.

Something that isn't what it really is.

Mom I have tried to explain it to you

Countless different times

What I am truly feeling inside!

But how to you explain something like this

To someone who just cant understand

What you are actually feeling.

How do you explain

The hollowness and numbness

How do you explain

That you feel like you are dead person

Yet somehow you are still going.

How do I explain to you that

I am no longer the small 7 year old

With bouncy blonde curls

That I am no longer that petite little girl

With bright brown eyes

Filled with such joy and glee

How do I explain to you

That I'm not happy

Cause I haven't felt such a thing is so long.

Dad I'm so sorry for what I've done.

For making things more difficult

For not making any sense

With all of these random mood swings

For causing so many problems at the house

I know sometimes I am the problem

I know I am the one.

I'm sorry for not always admitting that

It isn't always easy to have to

Admit that fact.

Older sister I do care.

That you are actually never really there.

I care more than I let off

I think about what leaves my lips

What slips past them.

I think about them late at night

When you're fast asleep

In the bed right next to mine.

While you're doing so

I'm laying wide awake all alone.

I surround myself with boys you don't approve of

Have performed actions and I'm not proud of them

I make you mad and disappoint you

I don't mean to.

You may not realize those things

When you're screaming at me and I'm looking

Blankly back into your eyes.

Little sister I take in everything.

Every word you say

Every curse I scream

Everything you may miss I see.

I don't always explain that

But I promise I do.

I have always wanted the best for you

It may not always seem that way

But I promise its true

Each and everyday.

When you yell words of hate to my face

I rewind back to each syllable

Each noun and vowel.

I consider what you tell

I consider following out on those actions

You want me to do.

Even if an apology if followed soon after.

Family you don't see and you never will

But I'm slowly drowning at sea

And I so badly need rescuing

Sincerely,

Your sister and daughter...