KJM

The time I am beginning this is 1:17am.

I am in a friend's bed. She's sound asleep beside me and tears are filling my eye sight up. Clouding it with the memories of you. Of the things you did. Of the actions you went forth on and I witnessed. My ears are covered with the hands that you once held in your own. Trying to quiet the monsters in my head. Them repeating what you once said " you'll be okay. You're strong. Stronger than I'll ever be." And reminding me that I am the exact opposite. That I am a caving thing of absentees! That I am the things you so badly desired in a person but could never seem to find! I am the one who wanted the best for you despite all your brokenness inside and you still didn't want me! I still dont even know why and my monsters continuously remind me of that. Like a broken record that plays the same tune over and over again. I so deeply love music but gosh do I hate this song! The monsters encourage me to perform the worst possible choices. To turn my body into a blank sheet of paper and create my own lines. To try and write a new story that will always have the same ending! THEY CONTINUE TO SCREAM AS LOUDLY AS THEY CAN MY INSECURITIES. MY FLAWS. MY THING THAT I HATED MOST THAT AT ONE POINT YOU FOUND BEAUTY IN. THEY WRAP THEIR LENGTHY ARMS AROUND MY CRIPPLING FRAME LIKE A MOTHER CRADDLING HER SMALL INNOCENT CHILD. CONSUMING MY BODY LIKE A FINAL SUPPER. THEN THEY WHISPER SOFTLY AND REMIND MY SUBCONSCIOUS...."you never loved me." And unknowingly silent the monsters slip away. Invisible cloaks hidding them from sight. My tears have dried up leaving my face sticky and my eyes left sore, vision coated with a glossy finish. My ears are ringing slightly from the pressure of my hands them being left with small red marks resembling my ears. By body is left with the familiar emptiness it sadly so well recognizes from previous occasions. I am in a friend's bed. She's sound asleep beside me and I. I am silently breaking.

The time I am finishing this is 2:17am and I am still here. Waiting for you to get back.