A Letter To You

It has taken me awhile to figure out how I would go about writing this – how to portray this feeling… and I have to take this on in its truest nature; a form of reality – a letter of truth.

I would like to begin by saying that you have hurt me.
Both mentally and psychologically,
I fell victim to your control.
That must make you feel great,
since all you seek is to control.
But don’t get your ego going too high now –
this letter just began.

After all these years I have done a lot of back and forth;
a life with or without you;
a never-ending cycle of good and bad.
It has taught me a lot about myself and has shown me what life can really be.
Life without you is simple –
it is filled with love and opportunity,
it is filled with progress and fulfillment.

Now… life with you…
well that is similar to hell.
It is filled with a burning and constant pain.
It is filled with hate and misery,
control and anger.
It is the most toxic lifestyle a person can live.
It’s like a radiation zone – there should be a sign that says “DO NOT ENTER OR YOUR LIFE WILL FALTER”.

Being that I am all the things you are not, and we will get to this later,
this negative cycle was able to continue because I was able to forgive you.
You are a master manipulator;
you wear a mask of lies – a false truth.
You were able to convince me that each and every time would be different.

However, this is the last time I ever fall for your tricks.
I have finally realized that things will never change.
You will continue to be the controlling, egotistic, selfish being you always are.
You will continue to create drama and project endless amounts of negativity.
You will continue to be misery seeking misery –
which is why you tried so hard to make me feel the way you do.

Even when you are not around
you are still a scar in my mind.
You projected your own reality so far deep into me –
I became the mirroring reflection of you.

Take that proud smile off your face – I’m not finished yet.

I have been given a gift – a means of discovering my own truth.
And not in the form of money or object – but rather a form of art.
If it weren’t for all the pain you caused me,
I don’t think I would be able to write as clear as I do.

Each day the thought of you gets smaller and smaller –
your control continues to get weaker.
And each day I find myself proud,
with a breath of fresh air and relief
knowing that no matter how much you told me I was –
I am nothing like you.

This letter is a goodbye letter,
and not one you receive with a “see you later” attached at the bottom –
this is a goodbye for good.

I have felt too much anger in my few years of existence;
I have cried too many nights and begged far too often for this life to end –
this precious and wonderful gift I have been given.
I have been trapped for too long in this never ending battle
of what is true and what is false.

You made me a prisoner of my own mind.
You made me believe that I am the pain I feel – the pain you gave me.
You made me believe that I am you.

You have chained me down and now I am breaking these links.
I am freeing myself from your grasp, your torment and disaster.
I am freeing myself from this never ending cycle.
I am freeing myself from you.

I am not who you say I am.
I am not your reflection.
I am Elisa.
I am forgiving,
nurturing,
kindess,
gentleness,
loving,
trusting,
open,
beauty,
innocence,
grace,
all wrapped into one.

I AM NOT YOU.