All "Smiles"

Where's my anti-depressants?! I can't find them. I need them in my presence. I don't have any? Did I run out? I don't use them? I don't take them? Oh. Well then ain't that something. Three cheers for the boy on nothing. We go out to eat oh what a treat. All silence and the remembrance on the person whose not here. I'm getting even more bored by the minute. You know what's funny I took my jacket off and yet my depressing coat is still on. No wonder why I sweat so much. It's a shame the saying goes "it's always the darkest before the day". My life clock seem to be broken because I've been stuck at midnight since I was born. 2017 was supposed to be that year for me to be free and let go of things to find greater things. Yeah, the year almost over and I haven't found a damn thing I'm only looking at what I've lost. Don't get it wrong I'm searching and looking I mean I'm going to continue to do that. But, after a long day of failure to do so i just come home to really nothing new at all. I'm glad I have a job but what good as the job if that job ain't really working me. I go to work on time for 3 hours a day, 2 days a week and get paid every two weeks. Mmmmm that's sound exhausting doesn't it? Only to make $8.25 an hour. Oooooo that'll make me feel rich. You can't see the look on my face but trust it is not pleasant. So what else is new? Oh you guys all know my grandma died of cancer in August. This past August. Yeah how many times do you think that darkens the mood. Don't count you'll hurt yourself. You honestly don't know what it's gonna be like having to go through our first year of no Thanksgiving or Christmas without her. Or maybe you do with yours but that's not the point. I've been single since before it all started in last year's December. I haven't even found a fuck buddy. Excuse my language I mean "friend". To be honest i don't even look for that I only for a ""friend"". You know one of those girls you keep talking to until you feel them butterflies in your stomach. And she feels the same about you. Nothing like that woman you could build with without the possibility of feeling she's going to eventually leave you. That's neither here nor there though. plus I actually gotten use to not wondering why am I in bed by myself. Or why haven't I gotten any "good morning bae" texts. What else? Umm well I don't think people like my poetry anymore. I mean I write what I feel but yet I've always done that maybe people just aren't into that style of poetry or just not into me writing it. I want to be a author. Or just a poet of such. I don't have money to put together a book. You saw what I'm getting paid. Maybe that's for the best though I'm not getting any eye opening views on my poetry anyway. Soooo why should I think that if I put together a book of poems people would want to be buy it. It's only me. Just me. Me and my lower hour and paying job. Me and my family whose falling the entire fuck apart. Me and my book who will never be finished or thought of because no one would want it. Me and my lonely bed, with my lonely love life. Me and problems. Me and what I called "suffering". Before you come in to my house and call me ungrateful. Just know this, some homeless people are happy even with nothing. I say I have nothing but I don't mean material. But some homeless people are even without reasons to be. If that's not swift kick to my ass or anyone else's I don't know what is. So I may not be happy, but I damn sure seem to be. I take it all in style. Cause even with nothing I'm just me and all "smiles"