To My Inner Child…..

I just want to say I love you. The world that was around you then wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong. You’re beautiful they just never told you so you always felt ugly. You’re talented but nobody cared. You were always a loner. It’s okay though. The world you was given wasn’t perfect for you. The story is though. Your story is perfect. I can assure you the road ahead is long hard and complicated but it’s the same as ever. You know that moment the very first one where you felt alone. You’ll feel it in today’s world. It never changes. You can’t talk to people cause you know what it’s like being talked to about problems when you had you’re own. So you leave them alone. You feel like you can’t talk to family cause for you then it’s was like broadcasting it to Facebook. And even then nobody liked it. Nobody cared. I wish you had me then. I would’ve been everything you didn’t have. I remember when they forced you into tutoring and when you graduated you were the only that celebrated. I remember your first game you didn’t play they showed I remember the second they showed but only after you already played. They never knew how good you were. It hurt you when every crush you had crushed your heart into pieces. You never understood why people wanted to hurt you punch you or walk around, over, or through you. You never understood why they were that cruel. Your hopes of wanting to be a rapper or producer lord knows how far it stretch I believe you had a shot. I believe you could’ve done it. And done it well. You were teased about your clothes and wore raggedy shoes most times. You never really had a birthday party. You were always counted out in most things. It’s okay you wanted to be like some people you couldn’t. If you could I would want you to let it go piece by piece. Find your way. To me. I’m nothing without you and you’re heartless with out me. I will celebrate every big step for you. You won’t have to worry about no one but yourself and your family. That you’ll create. This is your life no one else’s you can create your own matrix. One where there’s understanding, unconditional love, and the peace you’ve always been wanting. One where you’re celebrated and happy. One where you’ve adapted to the pain that was cause to you. You’ll be okay. You’ll be healed. Forgiven and refreshed. I haven’t seen your dawn yet but it’s coming. And when the dawn rise on you, your own dawn, that day will be the best day of your life. I wanna apologize to you cause I didn’t want to be you anymore. I wanted to be what you were missing so far I’ve done that but I don’t think I’m done just yet. When I am and you’ve caught up to me we can probably be best friends. You and I both won’t be as messed up was we feel inside. 

I hope you died with knowing that the world you was promised will be given to you. I on the other hand can’t live without the thought. You heart has been broke so many times. People pushed your emotional to its limits because they knew your heart. You are the definition of unconditional love. You loved everyone when you didn’t feel it from them. I wish it was different for you.  I wish you never had the heart you do but then you’ll just be like everyone else. You didn’t deserve it. None of it. I’m sorry you feel weak. Only thing I regret In todays world is that I didn’t do this sooner. You’ve held the burdens of others and on top of that carried your own. And yet you’ve come this far. Let’s be honest no one that has hurt you was ever going to apologize. No was going to be there when you cried. You’ve sat in corners watching the same four walls. You’ve watched as the room got darker and darker. You survived attacks from demons that preyed on your subconscious. Only you got yourself out of it to only go back to a world where it has not forgotten you but knew you were there and did nothing. They took and took and took from you. Though everything they took grew back. Every scar they painted on you, you just let the colors stay. You say it’s okay but was it? You kept pushing for salvation. You moved out of that corner cause you were impatient. You became impatient cause every time it became dark you couldn’t bare another fight for your life. You can’t sleep with the tv off. You stay up most nights cause you’re afraid. You believe In your dreams. I forgive you. I hope to release you from those four walls and that dark place. There will be light soon and I want to be free in it. Free as you were. I don’t know what I have to let go to find this ray of hope for me. But I hope it’s you. I hope to you release you from me cause you wasn’t supposed to feel this way. No child should have to feel this way. I know you’re not good but you are damn sure good enough more than anyone you’ve known. 

I remember the dark so vividly. Those nights where you couldn’t understand anything. You had things done to you in the dark. You did things that’s in the dark. When it attacked you you became scared. Driven into fear. Literally. You dream of driving but always crash. But do you remember how much of a thrill it was? It felt good. We know life ain’t a game. Most of everything is done in the dark. You just have to feel as happy as you did when you danced in it. That’s what Jim Carrey and The Weeknd meant. The chaos of life is a dark dance with no beat. In every dream you have there’s always been a thrill. Even if there’s a thrill of fighting for your life with something that wanted to consume you. I can’t imagine how or even why that Bible was there. I knew it burned its hand. You were let go and freed. Every since then I feel you barely slept. What if I told you my current dream? That one day you dream that you walked out of a door and it was supposed to close behind you. You forgot something and had to go back. And when you turned around as the door was closing your hand was shifted through while being closed. Then you said “oh yeah” as if you just remember that your dreams are what you make them be. Then you walked through that closed door. And saw this light but was distracted by numbers of 0 and 1. And through that screen of numbers you remember another dream you had. There was a pile of a lot things that really looked like garbage. You sat on top of it and was so scared. Maybe it was something we should’ve have seen. But it hurt us when we was there cause we weren’t supposed to be. And that, that door was closing for a reason. Right now we’re here possibly in that hallway. Looking for a newly opened door to go through and experience and when we do in darkness or in light, we’re gonna dance. We’re gonna accept it for whatever it is and if we need to we will leave. And if we cannot we’ll endure. Face it head on like we have always done. Come on kid let’s find that door together. One where your starry eyed dreams come true as I watch over it with my cynical eyes.