Anxiety

This is a trap door for me,
A quick escape.
A way to get away,
Something from which my future will shape.
To me it isn't a hobby,
It's a painkiller.
An anxiety pill,
Make me think I'm some sort of a winner.
If I stop,
Thoughts start to fill my head.
I don't think I will ever find peace,
Even when I'm dead.
I'm walking in the rain,
But the skies are clear.
My foot is strapped to the pedal,
But what if I don't want to steer.
I'm trudging through snow,
But it's too hot for a coat.
Should I pull the trigger,
How about we vote.
That's what everything is based on,
Other people's choices, not our own.
We seek praise,
All while refection gets our mind overthrown.
I can't see it,
It's too hard to find.
A perfect life of course,
Let's rewind.
Maybe if we do,
I'd be able to eliminate you.
But I don't think that's possible,
Your stuck to me like glue.
Please just leave,
Hand over the key.
I'm so desperate I'd beg,
Fall to my knees.
You tried putting a lock on my trap door,
I smashed it off.
Get out of my house,
I've put up with enough.