Anxiety Attack

When having an anxiety attack you should focus on what you can control, focus on your five senses, try to ground yourself. Here's what came of an anxiety attack in April 2017 after too much to drink and a piece of shit boyfriend.

I see the crowded room.
I hear the girl across from my laughing obnoxiously.
I taste the rum in this coke,
she mixed it too strong.
I feel the wooden bench below me.
I smell. . . I don’t really know what I smell.

I see the crowded room.
I hear the girl across from me laughing obnoxiously
but like I’m underwater.
I taste the rum in this coke.
I feel the bench below me, rough,
but also smooth
smoothed by years of use.
I smell sweat and too much alcohol.

I see. . .
I see. . .
I see. . .
myself.
I’m sitting, knees hugged to chest,
eyes darting, and wide,
a deer caught in the headlights.
I see him approach me,
relief fills my chest, 
Reach out to him, tell him you need to get out for a moment I beg

I see myself snap,
see him retreat, bitten, wounded.
I see the fear fill my eyes, 
Explain! Don’t let him walk away! I scream. 

I watch myself stay silent, tears flooding my eyes.
Looks like you screwed up, It whispers in my ear
It’s dead fingers cuff my wrists
Cracked lips press against my ear
Looks like he’s not happy, looks like he’s gonna leave. Good job.
Icy spiders straighten my spine
I watch as he approaches the stiff me
Come on we’re going home. 

Outside, I still cannot manage to gain control
Tell him we want to stay. 
Goddamnit, listen to me.
But I do not hear myself
It has taken me over completely.

I watch myself scream in the car
my heart tight, knowing he will never forgive me for this.
Unable to do anything, I watch. 

I watch myself destroy yet another relationship,
because I cannot take command of Anxiety.
It makes me yell Fuck you when he leaves me.

I see the weird green sheets.
I hear the whir of the fan above me. 
I taste bile, rising hot in my throat. 
I feel the constriction of my heart. 
I smell the strangeness of this place. 

I see that he will not come back the same. 
I hear my thoughts, angry, and confused. 
I taste blood, I bit my lip too hard. 
I feel empty. 

My anxiety has won
defeated me
ruined another relationship,
and I know, god I know, he will never come back
never forgive me. 

And all I can do is hate myself
because I’ve pushed him away, I broke us, and I can do nothing to take it back. 

All I can say is I’m sorry like a broken record, 
I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorryI’msorry

I’m so fucking sorry

I hate myself more each time I spit out I’m sorry
because I know It’s not something I can control, 
but It tells me I have to say sorry, 
that maybe he will come back if I say it loud enough for long enough.

I see him walking away from me,
tears choking me so that I cannot call his name,
so I get in my car and wonder if,
by some miracle, 
I will be hit on my way home, so that I do not have to deal with this pain.