Asleep

Green lights
Red eyes 
Nighttime
She falls asleep and wakes up to hands that shouldn’t be there.
No one told the sunrise slutshaming isn’t socially acceptable anymore. 

In the darkness of a late night phone call 
You insist it was your choice
But we both know you should have never been in that car in the first place.
Perhaps he didn’t mean to,
Perhaps he didn’t notice he was making his love conditional,
Or perhaps that is exactly why he did it.

When he says 
Stay 
When he says 
Please 
When he says
Just let it happen
When he says 
It’s okay. 
But she knows it’s not 
She knew it wasn’t 
When he says 
Just tell me what you want 
Which really means 
Tell me what I want 
Which really means 
Do as I tell you.

The therapist becomes agitated
My story just isn’t painful enough for her 
Not enough to justify how messed up I am.  
She tries so hard to make me the victim
I get it.
Just like me she does not want to admit that I was my own predator. 
I am the only one I tried to prove a point to
I got so caught up in the crossfire but it's just empty shells I fire at myself,
I guess I'm just not brave enough to make things real. 
 
I join the ranks of little girls with big eyes, 
Say yes,
I don’t need to love myself.
if I am good,
He will.
Enough for the both of us. 

Her lips crack as they part 
I cannot taste my own tears
She tries to remind herself she is not sad but the crying does not help
I swallow my pride, terrified my self respect will escape through the trembling corners of my mouth. 
His love will not stay, she knows,
If I won’t give him a reason to. 

I try to write poetic but end up blunt
I try to write complex but end up so clear
I try to write honest but end up unoriginal. 
I try to write girl but end up so desperate...

I am only what you saw in me in the first place.