Asshole

ive wasted so much of my time,
on un-deserving assholes,
so why on earth,
would it pain me so deeply,
to waste time on myself,
to waste time being selfish,
i cannot be selfish,
for i have always been
selfless,
now that i have been left,
alone,
to take care of myself,
to make the rest of my time go unwasted,
set out and make my life happy,
take care of me,
i sit here trapped,
too afraid to go outside,
for the asshole seemed to never leave my mind,
i sit here,
hurting, as you
as you sit there happy,
i dont even know how i became so attached to you,
why couldnt you just be honest,
how could you be so heartless,
dragging me into this losing battle,
i just wanted to continue loving you,
while you sat there and acted like such an asshole,
taking every ounce of spirit, love, peace,
happiness, and positive motivation,
taking it out of my soul,
and shredding it,
like it meant nothing,
burning it,
my heart slowly turning into coal,
you leave,
and i sit here,
churning the ashes,
the ashes of the spirit,
that used to be me,

couldnt you have just been nice to me,
the way i was nice to you,
i respected you,
i loved you,
i fought for you,
when nobody else could see anything good,
i yelled and said they where wrong,
everyone always just said,
he is an asshole
he is lighting your soul on fire,
he is happy when you are miserable,
he is miserable when you are happy,
all of them telling me,
please,
just let go.
he is killing you,
and all i could do is say
no
he is the man that holds the key to my soul
time went on,
after all the things that you had said,
i just kept thinking,
stuck inside my head,
you where such an asshole,
i felt so ashamed,
disgusted,
so miserable,
for beggining to believe,
that you where an asshole,
i slowly took a few steps back,
the farther back i stepped,
the worse it shattered my heart,
all i wanted was you,
to love you,
honor you,
spend the rest of my life with you,
not once did i ever want to fight with you,
not one time did i dis-respect you,
i continued to lie for you,
i continued to lie to myself,
i stood my ground,
i told everyone around,
you where not an asshole
i always wondered why everyone i cared about
kept running away,
without even stopping to say,

run jessyka,
run far away,
like they all used to say,
did they finaly see what i felt,
did they finaly agree.
so distant everyone in my life became,
i barely reconized my own name,
thats when i noticed,
when i caught you playing your game,
you are so sick in the head
i was such a fool,
i believed in you,
emptied my soul for you,
handed you my entire heart,
no questions asked,
forgave you when you got angry,
forgot the lies you told,
held you after you hit me,
told you i understood,
i shouldnt have made you mad,
i loved you,
dont you see,
why do you only want to hurt me,
still to this day i would never hurt you,
everyday i wish you would have never hurt me,
everyday i wish i could unburn these ashes,
as i regain the people i love back into my life,
i hide the ashes,
i keep them my secret,
you never hurt me,
you never lit my wonderful spirit on fire,
i wouldnt let you destroy me,
i hide
what was once the light that made me shine in the
darkest of darks
i hide those grey dull hideous ashes,
i keep them behind my smile,
not a single soul knows they are their,
ive changed people say,
your kind-hearted purity of love and laughter,
the glow of your sweetness,
the sparkle in your eye,
somethings are missing they say,
i smile and i walk away,
i look at these ashes,
i remember how beautiful they once where.