"Back into the darkness. Again." By Ben Goode 2018 (c)

I wish I wasn't reminded of my failure.
What I missed, and what I didn't do right.
But I wonder if I failed cause I wanted to.
Perhaps I needed to, to realize I'm not perfect.
God forbid I ever gain confidence in anything.
Back to square one, when I tried so hard to climb up.
Not evolving, not getting any better than I was.
I had it all, and threw it away, not trusting my own instincts.
All this remorse and regret came flooding back today.
Now I'm sitting here pitying myself, with the wounds open again.
Just wanting to put it all behind me.
Why did they remind me? The curious fool!
Trying to satisfy their own morbid curiosity.
Thinking I'd be more mature about how I felt?
But they'd never understand.
Wondering why I'd ditch them as a friend?
And not actually asking why? Too stupid to dig a little more.
Giving up on me, because it was easier to believe I was an asshole.
Who really cares enough to ask what's really wrong?
And I had hoped they would.
I didn't want to feel this way again. Not so soon.
I just want it to all go away. To stop worrying.
To stop the tears, to stop being afraid.
Feeling unworthy and very dumb.
I wish I could do something right.
And just once keep hold of it.
But I have let go.
Back into the darkness. Again.