Bad Friend

How will I survive
If I'm not a good sport?
I am a guy
of the drop-the-ball sort
 
I get overwhelmed
and I start to drown
I want to assist
but I let the team down
 
Not sure what's wrong with me
Why can't I get it right?
Is it my poverty,
my mental health
or cause I am "White"
 
I tend to zone out
and get distracted
People think I don't care
but inside I am fractured
 
All I think of is loving
but my hands dangle frozen
and my feet drag along
on the paths I have chosen
 
Community to me
is so important, I say
But I fail to participate
at the end of the day
 
In my mind--
In my imagination--
I picture a family
of codependent protection,
 
gently healing hearts
in a spirit of nurture
But is it just a fantasy
when I'm so immature
 
Sometimes I think it's better
to isolate
draw back myself
and disassociate...
 
because I feel like filth
when I procrastinate
 
And I am wasting my friend's
attention, money and time
when they trust me again
to pull my weight
(but no help they find)
 
Instead like a snail
I have retracted inward
unable to cope
navel-gazing my innards