Beginning of My Story

 
My story starts when I was just a toddler babe
That’s when my sweet innocence was taken
away
 
I now know but I couldn’t see then
that I would grow to have so much
pain and suffering from an act
of another’s sin
 
I have no good memories for as long as I can
remember
even at the age of five, which was my first,
I can still see my step-father beating me with
his horrible temper
 
The beatings were nothing compared to
what I would endure for many years to come
as I think back on what was done to me, I would have
taken the beatings any day over the feeling of
walking through life afraid and numb
 
My first memory of being violated
hot breath on my neck with whispering in my ear
sweaty hands, the size of baseball mitts, over my mouth
telling me to “shhhhh”, is all I could hear
 
Sometimes I would wake with what felt
like a ton of bricks weighing me down
not understanding what was happening
so, I lay there still, tears streaming down my face
, wishing my mother were around
 
Confused and so young
Is this normal? Should I feel so much pain?
I didn’t know how to answer but somehow knew
deep down what was happening would leave a stain
 
There were nights where I heard my door
creak open and a dark figure would crawl in
my heart would pound because I knew what
was coming, what would leave me shaking out
of control in the end
 
Sometimes I would scream, “Get out!” when I heard
that creak from my door
hoping to wake someone up or at least keep my
innocence once more
 
Still too young to know right from wrong,
but this felt wrong-I could feel it in my whole being
Why would no one help me? Did no one care?
or maybe they just weren’t seeing
 
Something once told me another
saw what was being done to me by ‘Him’
they did nothing to stop it
I wonder if they were happy it was me and not them
 
As I got older I know knew this was wrong but
could not stop it
me being so small compared to what seemed like
a seven feet tall giant
 
Seven years of what felt like torture to my soul
Finally moving away when I was twelve years old,
stopping the physical nightmare but the mental
part will forever leave me, for a long time, ice cold