Broken

  I understand the words and concepts but the culture of a “healthy” relationship is so foreign to me. A normal relationship to me is chaotic and extreme or distant and lonely. Never have I known a relationship somewhere in the middle. I am forced to believe that I will never have a healthy relationship and also that I have no idea what love is. I am starting to question whether or not this is true. Just because an addict can’t use a drug because it ruins their life doesn’t mean that the same drug for someone else could improve their quality of life and ultimately bring satisfaction and or happiness. When you boil relationships and relationship issues down, you need to find your kind of crazy – are you an au jue or a gravy, are you spicy, sweet, thick or thin? Why can’t someone who was not shown how to love or what love is suppose to be, be in love with what is comfortable to them or what makes sense to them. Why is my “unhappy” wrong and what society views as a health relationship’s unhappy “normal” or acceptable? I have trust issues for many good reasons and I don’t believe any amount of therapy or the best most honest guy in the world will ever change that. I want it to be ok to have these issues and to find someone attentive and patient with that so I can eventually lesson the fear within that relationship. If you cannot have a relationship without trust than that means I will never have a successful relationship and that is a dark cruel and harsh reality. The fact is that I love people I do not trust so does that mean I don’t know what love is. No because I do know what love is, I felt it the moment my son was placed in my arms. I’ve been in abusive relationships where I’ve been abused and where I’ve been the abuser. I have made better choices on both ends and I now have less abusive relationships. If I can eventually have more trust towards another person then I will have accomplished more honestly and growth in my relationships than most marriages. In my eyes that would be a successful relationship. Why is everyone always trying to fix me, my broken feels normal to me and their healthy looks boring and fake to me,nor do I try to sell them my broken.