Carefree Pain

Every light turned on 
100 watts in each socket 
Trying to rid myself 
Of this black cloud over me 
Deserving as it may be 
It's to much by myself 
Over powering 
Never releasing its grip 
A steady stream of pain
Dead end streets 
Holding back tears 
Confidence stealing 
24/7 reminding me of regrets 
I can't change 
So close to the end of hope 
Thinking going blackface 
And rob Zimmerman 
Be  sucicide  by a racist 
can't believe I want out 
Of this thing I use to love 
robbed myself 
Stole my smile 
Tied myself up 
And put me in thepassenger seat 
Drove so far out 
That if i turn around now 
would still take 53 years 
To find a way back 
Maybe find Stan 
Give him the keys
Have me swimming with his ex
Cause I ain't worth 
The worry , stress , pain and tears 
I cause others
Pray some nights 
 my loved ones  would just forget me 
Have no memory of me 
Instead of him
Should've been me 
Countless times got drunk thinking of that 
Then had 8 more 
Cussing the world over losing him  
And to the reader of this 
Believe me 
These words ain't for a pity party
A poor me speech
Look what I been through bullshit 
It's a honest confession to the world 
I f'd up me by myself 
Knowing it as I did it 
Now To weak to relearn how to live ,love , or give again 
 I can't find the want for another breathe 
Hard to go on 
After losing yourself 
Hard to show face 
Knowing next time I show face 
That Judgement already been made 
Self hate and no self respect 
Hard to think about memories from yesterday 
While  seeing myself today 
Useless waste 
A shell 
 a what could've been 
No goals 
No dreams 
No hard dick for master baiting 
No money for a whore to give me a hand
Maybe it's time to start turning out these lights 
Say my silent goodbyes
Maybe I am bipolar but 
I don't give a shit 
Maybe an asshole 
But I don't give a shit 
But Maybe this is what started it all 
People trying figure me out 
Trying to label me 
And you know what 
I don't give a shit
I'm not white , Christian, a wigger, atheist, good or bad guy, nor gay , bi or straight , hetro or metro , tall , obese ,  a dick or pussy , 
I'm just open minded 
Without  thinking I have to make excuse for me to be just me 
Because you know what 
I don't give a shit