Cheap Thrills

On weekend drives,
when I pass cows I make the moo noise,
     passing horses I make a whinny noice,
          passing crows  on the side road
          calling – “caaaa-caaaa,” and
         laughing when they jump.
 
When I pass a cat,  I make the cat hissing sound
and get a kick out of watching run and hide.
     When I pass wild turkeys, 
     I gobble at them, and
     sometimes they gobble back.
          On my back deck,  when I see squirrels,
          I make the kissing sound they make,
          and watch them run up trees,
          then shaking their tails to warn friends.
 
Am I Noah?
     Am I Dr. DooLittle?
          Am I Steve Irwin
               the Crocodile Hunter?
 
When I drive past the Pioneer Bar,
I honk the horn at the drunks
on the outside back deck and
wave at them as they
all rubberneck around the corner
and wave with a quizzical look
trying to figure who
who the phantom caller was.

My wife begs me not to do it,
but she laughs EVERY TIME!
 
Sometimes when I pass
a group teen-age boys,
I say “Hi boys!” with a gay lisp
and watch their anti-homosexual
hatred and fickle fingers come out.
 
When my wife showers,
I turn the light off for
one second until
she screams, 
then put it back on
just as quickly.
 
I guess I am just guy who
amuses easily,
and/or is poor.