Crossing

You are the most exotic,
the one that keeps me awake
and feeds the darkness
with an uncontrollable fear,
love is not enough
fear succumbs  to us
nesting in the blast,
but I want more than
life itself
your steps have left their footprints
deeper into my breath,
made of chalk and clay
I want to find more
than afterlife
I want you to come
and whisper in my ear
that everything was a  tale
a child’s treasure buried
right outside her house
we did not lose it
when we grew up
or falter- only
it aged  badly
alcohol, drugs,
mornings in the sun,
dancing at night,
superfluous kisses,
and most of all
other lives
crossing like a narrowboat 
pushing forward in a canal
in London
 so much of you
I did not know,
and the rest is hidden inside me
it is not because I did not want to face your death
it is a little more
 I was preoccupied with my anger,
my desires
Who would say that only desire would fail us?
not you, not even me
but the desire
turning upside down
the most tender love