Cure. What happens

I think I need to see someone. Hoping if they have a cure for me. A cure for this undiagnosed unreadable misunderstood disease. That makes me cringe at every word, every smirk, every joke cracked that should be funny but instead gets me fed up and irritated. These mixed emotions that come to mind every often changing my mind. These encounters of thoughts of  me having to get hurt or these impulses of death as if I shouldn’t live because I can’t handle the stress and can barely keep a conversation going without getting someone pissed or have to get irate. I hate repeating myself and I can’t seem to get passed the ideology of having to keep up with the rest while I’m still behind the lines. Patience for me has disappeared  just like the night sky on a hot summer day. Trying to keep myself pieced together  with this thin glue that is barely holding. Allowing small things to get through and destroying this wall that I had of protection. Cracking layer by layer. It’s only about time before I’m able to keep my head up for so long. This road can only go for so long, somewhere in the middle it has to stop and when the time comes what happens. 

I don’t understand why these happen. What happens. Truly what happens. Will the emotions eating inside me ever stop, will I be able to go back to myself, my egotistical, confident, over bearing, persistent and protective self. Or will I continue to bear the stress and pain that currently presides in my body and mind. I keep trying and push myself and try to hid these two sides emotions but it will be about time before someone discovers these things and can easily use these tactics against me. As these emotions and thoughts have become my identity, my weakness and my vulnerability.