In Darkness I Live
In darkness I live
In the bottom of a deep whole
With no way out is where I call home,
My friends think they know me
But, no one can truly know me
My secrets I keep even though I shouldn’t
And every time I try to tell some one
I can’t seem to find the words
The things I think of, scare me half the time
I am different from everybody
But I do have feelings
So for all of you who make fun of me
Every time you do it cuts a little beeper
But like all the rest it scares over
What have I done to deserve all this pain and suffering?
All I want is what every other person wants,
To fit in
To feel like I belong on this rock we call Earth
As I write this, two places stick out in my mind
I called both home
But now looking back at them
I see it was hell
Everyone picked on me
Either to my face or behind my back
And every time you people did
More and more scares appear
It makes me wonder now, did I have any friends?
And what have I don’t do deserve all this
What have done that makes me gay
What have I done that makes me weak
What have I done to make so many of you hate me?
Because of people like you I feel
Ugly and unloved
Weird and alone
And an outcast
I could die and all of you wouldn’t care
But you would be the reason why
I will not act like the thought never came to mind
Because it has many times
People I called friends tried to kill me
They would choke me in the halls
Or stab me with things they made in metals
My teammates
Kids I played football with
Whom I had known for years
 Some whom I would protect
Would beat me and threaten to kill me
I am covered in the scares from it
How much do you have to hate some one?
To make them think death is the only answer
To beat and torcher them everyday
And then to not even care when they get hurt saving you from a blindside tackle
And to beat them even more after
To beat them so hard
They must go to the hospital
To beat them so hard that what should be a miner concussion
Turns into a major one
Where they are bleeding from the brain
And miss school for a month
And to start this kind of behavior in the 2nd grade
Makes me sick to think I lived it
I was called out for being friends with girls
For liking history a little more then I should
For writing poems
For not knowing the latest in football
  For loving the color pink
For trying to be a friend to everyone
For standing up for little kids
Who can’t do it themselves
But is that a reason to want me dead?
Or because I cared for other before myself
I just wish that someone would be there for me
For the times when I’m getting to a low
And think death is my only way out
I hate being the crazy guy I try to be
But it’s the only way to keep myself somewhat safe
If you had to choose between insanity and safety
What would you choose?
I wish I could take everything I did back
Take back all the things I did to scare my body
Take back all the bad chooses I made
But I say this
I have loved and am in love with girls
But it has taken me until know to realize
That I am in love with one
Or I think
Maybe I just like her and am getting them confused
 Oh well
Tis another reason people do not like me
I am extremely sweet and mushy at times
I have done the most romantic things
But they do not help with the pain from beatings and bullies
It seems my world is full of pain
And I must endure it all alone it seems
For not even teachers could help me at other school
I turned away from them all together
If I decide to trust you feel lucky
For I do not trust that many people
Because people always hurt me
And mock me for the way I am
When really
All I want is to fit in
And not be just another face in a year book
So I will ask again
What have I done to deserve all this pain and suffering?
 What?
for those who think this is false
I tell you
 this is all true
I lived threw it
And it has come from last year for the most part C( ich ben ganz allein)
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Comments
chris we are all with you bullies are not friends and you are a person with genuine feelings something they dont have.even writing here is getting a release .but tell yourself one thing being gay is nothing unique any more its what you are and it fits into the world just like straight you are equal now.Â
its so sad that people like you have to feel like this but one thing you are different from them is you can write poetry with true meaning.and that is unique.
a bully like iv said before is doing it because they have problems feel sorry for them it will make you a bit stronger. my hearts with you and hope you write some more .best wishes  tina x
Wow Chris, Tina is right! You've got something that some others don't and it's this amazing writing talent. Be who you want to be, because we're not copies and thank God we're not, because we are made to be originals. Everyone is unique and so are you. Always remember that the people who don't accept you the way you are, those are the people who are the most insecure. They do things to make them feel better from what they're missing inside. This poem did touch me, don't ever stop writing, it's what could make you feel better & stronger, and we as readers will stay close with you.
All the best,
Tuyet M.
Thank you Tina but it seems you made a mistake, and I would just like to say sorry because it is my fault you did, you see I am not gay I was only called that. the reason being is I was friends with the gays at my school but I am not gay myself, I am sorry for the confusion.
aww chris im sorry  really but the bully side of things im still with you  maybe i read your poem wrong but it did seem like that but at the end of the day i still meant every word i said .all i can say is im so sorry for what you are or going through and im with you  tina x
Greetings Chris,
Sometimes, the best way to truly fit in, is to preferably fit yourself out,(as you did) in cases such as this and it sounds you went through hell in order to even obtain any form of life. This, (as both poetess above state),have allowed you to be a unique human being, original to the mold that beholds you..Many would kill, to obtain that which you have gracefully displayed and has acquired, an ability to expel yourself in a true and genuine way, in the elegance of your poems.This doesn't render you weak at all, but it does catapults you above those, that fall well short of all your heart felt and humanitarian displayed talents.Sounds more to me as though you had a lot of enviesr, looking for means of belittling you, in order to make themselves feel as though their self worth could even equal to just one, of your powerful and unafraid to display abilities.Misery truly loves company and in all actuality, you were content with whom you were but they knew not who they were, nor how to find the means of acquiring how to find themselves.You found your nitch in life a long time ago and you stuck with it, no matter how they,(your haters), tried to knock you off the pedestal, that those that truly knew, or came to know you, placed you upon and just for being the kind hearted, understanding to the feelings of all persons, you have remained to be, to this day on... Here on this site,you are stood up for and stood with and i would love to have been in the presence of those you speak of, during your torments and tortures, i would have found pleasure, in rectifying their wayward  ways of thinking and would have found it fitting, to place the shoe on the other foot, even if just for a day and see how they would have liked being ridiculed and demeaned...You are whom you are for a reason and that reason from my point a view, was one that led you to the people,  that you are allowing to know you through your story, that you have privileged us to today and i would preferred, to have had you as a friend, rather than a group of losing  wonna be socialites, that depended on hate in order to feel the need to fit in, with ignorance and with a lower self esteem, than that you've been unfortunately placed upon yourself...You are a survivor in life, for life.Chris you are a true human being and know the real meaning of exercising all faucets of life and emotions and some people have no idea, how to approach life after being through the hell you had to enter, couragously endured and stepped out off of, and to be able to speak on every aspect of what transpired...You may have not really acquired true friends back then but now you have more then just friends, you have true admires on this site and not only for you but for all you are capable and are presenting, through your courageous presentation of this poem and through this testimonial of a heart felt story. You are braver, stronger and more congenial, than any back then could ever imagine and could ever wish to have been. This is truly more than just a powerfully spoken poem but a honorable heart spoken biography of a story as well.For the last laugh will surely be yours and i would be the first to offer my hand in solidarity to your cause and as a friend, unconditionally.... Although i am sure you have as stated, made more friends on this site than you can imagine...Keep your hear up and heart open, you are unique and a very special human being, whom found it very hard to try and think on your own and hold your own (but you did) and(they didn't), needing each others negative support, to feel as though they were somebody, although they were no body and you throughout the entire ordeal, was he whom had the real clot and incredible kind hearted, selfworth....Great poem and testimonial story and (here for you)....
Take Care,
Jim    Â
Thank you Jim for that touching comment, I wished I had a friend like you during those years. But I do not see it as testimony but more as an account of what our school systems are becoming, teachers are stepping away from the responsibilities they are given to keep it a safe learning environment. I went to teacher every time something happened and they did nothing, my only goal with this writing is to make people aware of what's happening at schools, that is it.
And thank you Tuyet for giving me more encouragement to keep on writing, I promise you I will keep writing I have many more stories about school, that was just last year and elementary school, I have tons of stories about middle school. This is wear I ask you the reader should my next poem be a depressed love or another school one?
Dear Christian,
I'm glad you're going to continue this process. Don't worry much about what we want to read, we will support you with every single poem! I know what it's like to be in this school period, everyone is trying to find out who they are and we'll travel with many ups and downs, but in the end we all will become someone the world needs and we won't be forgotten.Â
Take care,
Tuyet M.
Awesome poem man. Really sucks you into the words. I know my words are not long but all I can say is awesome poem!
You are welcome Christian and the school system seems to fall short in a lot of important aspects of the growing social environments, of the educationing system, of our young youth today and if you can't trust them for a safety net in our schools today, not only have they fell but we fell as adults, by not listening more to the cries of our young, when it is brought feverishly to our attention as well.Jason, one word are a million, you showed your support on this matter and served a purpose in your response...Great job to you and all the rest....
Cheers,
Jim Â
You are right, it is sad when that happens, I just hope this year goes better then last ones, I got three more years of it if it doesn't
Hey Christian,
(I got your back).....Take care you and hopefully our teachers and the acquirance of common sense by your school mates, will take care of the rest....Keep your head up and heart open Christian, you have what they do not,( true moxy)....
Later,
Jimmy
Hey Christian,
Hope all is well with you. Everyone has an opinion to offer but as you are well aware and know, it is obviously up to you to accept them are push them by the weigh side.You just i realize, that all opinions offered aren't ones in favor of your plight.(But) on the same token, a guilty dog that bites, normally is the one that barks first and the loudest. Do what you feel in your heart is best for you because at the end of the day, it will be you that have to live with the decision made.Just as you have stated, you know who you are and where your heart lies,help those who can't help themselves is a very good thing and those of us that realize your position, supports you whole heartedly and those that can't see the forest for the single tree they seem to hide behind, overlook them and their negative remarks, because what they have to say holds no weight.Keep your head up and heart opened.
Take Care,
jim Â
hey christian you know as a mother i would like to think my children would lean on my shoulder its part of the love of a mother and child no-matter what age they are.my son had serious problems and i had to step in or he would'nt be here today.a mothers care is forever and i know you have to try yourself too but lean on anyone when you need help .there is no shame in asking for help.  all the best  to you christian  hope things pick up for you   tina xÂ
first congrats in this poem nicely written, and i want to said that you are not weak the ones that have the heart to be different are strong to be who you are and not who they want you to be,i was also bullied and outcast but i never gave in because i know if i did that everything they said about me true because the truly weak people are the one's that don't have whats it takes to be different,to be yourself, because no one's the same there just play the game "monkey see monkey do" you just chose not to play along!