Dealings

My tears,
drop softly,
sweetly,
to the ground,
in a circle of madness,
that hollows,
the shell,
I have become so accustom to destroying,
that lashes the skin,
I paint such pretty colours,
the blackens the heart,
I plan,
so wildly,
so cruelly,
so emotionlessly,
to destroy,
in sheer agony.
I let it destroy me,
so I can plainly destroy myself,
I let it take me,
so I can finally take myself,
I let it cut my essence out,
so I can end the shell,
no regrets,
no pain,
just freedom,
a death,
for the already dead,
an ending to the pain,
as it over whelms so completely.
I stop,
too soon,
I know,
in this ecstasy of perfect thought,
I have forgotten,
so cruelly,
that there is one who cares,
one I shall imprison,
I shall doom,
I shall practically end with myself,
a soul that would be weighed down,
dragged to the fire with me,
plummeted into the drowning water,
following to eternal rest.
I question it,
would it be all that,
would he not just forget me,
in a heartbeat,
like all the rest,
could I cause that much pain,
from a blissful rest,
would he eventually follow,
when the guilt of inaction,
gets too much,
or would he be a man,
like I cannot,
and suffer through utter terror,
and agony,
and survive the way I cannot.
Would he suffer by my hand if I ended my own?
One's suffering for another?
Is that who this endless deal works?