Dear past

Dear past,

Why am I always reminded of you?
Constantly thinking my old behaviors and memories are all I have to hold on to
Well it's not true, I have more than you, my negative thinking is done, its through

From a young age of innocents and oblivion
But somehow because of you I'm always thrown into self loathing and sin again
From a time I didn't know someone could wear shoes with no socks
At my fourth birthday party I discovered this and was so shocked
That's the innocents of when I was a kid
A life with little experience not enough life to create a narrative
But I'm grown now even though I'm kid like in more ways than should be true
But dear past I'm done always reminiscing of you

I don't know when everything became so wrong
How I fell into a thought process that kept me from being strong
But it all happened and I do have many struggles to try and prevail
But after it all more importantly I have a story to tell 
And maybe reach out my hand, be an inspiration to those less strong
Help others know there was  meaning all along

And after many failed suicide attempts I'm here to stay 
You had your grip on me, yes I'll say
But it was a temporary thing
For a short time you pulled my strings
But it's over now
All I do is stand back and say wow
All in awe because I've grown so much and done so well
And at times it's a scary thought
But happiness is deserved and earned not bought

And it's what I want and need
No more running from fate and wasting planted seeds
I'm more than fear and regret
Even though there is so much I should have never did, yeah you bet
But I have to stop trying to control the things I can't change
And it's hard to believe I once thought I could, very strange

You planted false ideas of how things should be
But now I'm getting better and I see
Illogical thoughts and ways
But thank God it was only temporary, not to stay
Because I'm through with the depression and sorrow 
It was only brought on by you
Having many goals I want to achieve
I'm done with holding on to fear and old ways because it makes it difficult to believe
There was always a purpose to this struggle and pain 
And how I'm gonna reach others I'm not sure, I can't explain
But I have this fire that burns inside
To let other's know it's not the end this burning is a calling that I'll abide
It's a dream I have to let others know I've been there, and I'm on your side

I can't explain the things you've done to me
You held me captive I was thinking illogically
But I finally see there's more to me than what others understand and see
Used, cursed, and abused is the label I get
But you don't know my walk these labels don't fit
I can't hold onto you and be reminded of my shame and regrets
Yeah I can explain all day how you affected me in a negative way
But the only thing that stands is that I've realized how I've struggled and put it to an end
I'm on a walk to mend