Feeling Remote

As I approach  where no woman  dares to tread 
The stench of  Doritos and Beer almost takes me aback
as I traverse the floor laden with toys 
of my  visiting sisters unruly  boys 
towards the snoring ,quivering, double bed 
to  face the Neanderthal human known as Fred .

My task is simple remove his coat and feel in his pocket for the TV remote
 guarded daily , I  advance to collect it  and always fail
I'm always detected , but not this  time I shall not lose !
  For Fred ,this  time  is taking a longer snooze .
 I carefully negotiate  the visiting sisters boys 
swirling around the scattered toys.

 I'm almost there I say to myself and reaching deep in his  pocket
there's nothing there  and a voice from the coat growls
I'm watching that!
 I stumble back like  a toddler  just missing the cat .
He is a little plumper than I remember when I think back 
to last December when said remote was removed with ease .
Thinking quickly on my feet, I sit down quickly in my seat .
 
 A second attempt is hastily made as I turn him over  and lay him face up
The stench of the beer hits me again  and I grab my mouth to hide my disgust .
  Its in his other pocket great , now its mine ill be watching East Enders
Danny Dyer all his banter I'm so happy as  I grab it  I almost canter
Over the toys and past the cat only to find 
remotes batteries are flat .