Fingers down

At the age of 13 girls I heard girls comparing the gap between their legs in the locker room, trying to avoid opening my eyes, as if to avoid them catching me staring. 

They wear tights in PE, while I wear shorts because it had never before been an issue to me.

But suddenly it's an issue to me, the only issue that clouds my mind as I go grocery shopping with my mother that afternoon. 

I was 14, standing in my drama class glancing at everyone's legs, how far apart they were when they were all standing so naturally

This was natural to them.

14, the year of looking up "fitspiration" in urban dictionary, to explain why all these pictures of girls so much prettier, and skinnier than me were all over my feed.

Searching for "thigh gap workouts" and "skinny girl diets"

If I tell people what I'm doing they tell me I'm stupid.

That I'm perfect.

But I was not unaware that the society I lived in placed only one factor to perfection for girls my age, for all girls.

To be perfect was to be skinny.

If I could be skinny I could be pretty, I could be could enough.

But not for any more, god forbid at the age of 14 my mother and sister still raised me with enough self respect to know that as a girl I did not need a boys approval.

But In saying that for girls my age, life as a contest, standing in line with our legs apart in the hopes that they won't touch, holding our hands over our stomach as to hold in our fat. Only to reach the stage for judges to tell us we weren't approved by the world.

So I went along with the girls that shared photos of their fit idol,counting every last calorie until I knew with my eyes shut that the apple I had for lunch was 65 calories, but I only ate half so it was 32.5 and that would be 10 minutes of running on the spot at night in the hopes that my parents wouldn't see me. 

Meanwhile I was still called "chubby "

And not by any friends or family

But by myself.

So I sat there at the age of 17 after one year of "recovery" grasping at the body fat all around me, my arms had grown and my legs were not like the other girls, who had also grown, but somehow they had managed to grow into the goddesses they were born to be, while I sat in the shadows.

How can you blame for thinking like this, for the comments that come out of my mouth.

I am playing the only game I know the rules to.

The first game I was taught at a teenager.

Rule number one: if you stick your fingers down your throats 10 minutes after eating you will be able to sleep happy at night.

"Good girls don't swallow they chew and spit"

I am living in a world of "unwanted calories"
"Burning off my dinner" 

Because I made it clear to myself only to eat when I could say I deserved it, and for so long I didn't know if I did.

I taught myself to eat quietly, and talk loudly during group meals

If the attention was on me it wasn't on my food.

I taught myself not to eat like a pig in front of people, until I was forcing myself to eat in the bathroom at school, and at work.

At least it meant to birds with one stone.

Passing jokes around me from my so called friends calling each other "anorexic " and "bulimic " after someone gets a bug and is sick.

Because my disorder became a joke amongst teenagers 

Comments by adults and friends "that girl is probably sticking her fingers down her throat " 
Because the girl we used to hang out with went vegan and lost weight so everyone joked about it being bulimia.

Because bulimia is a joke to them.

Because when you make the game, make the rules and then force all these girls to play along, you automatically earn the right to joke about it.

You can joke about it because it isn't your reality.

Calories don't matter to you 

This game was never forced upon you.

 "1 in 3 teenagers will fall into eating disorders throughout the years or 12-18"

We didn't fall we were pushed.

"You should eat more "

"You should eat less "

"You should eat "

"Did you go to the bathroom to vomit ?"

No I actually went to the bathroom to grab tissue paper, but now that you mention it.

 God forgive me if I get confused sometimes when I'm living in a world that screams

 "You need to love your body"

As well as " your pants are too tight, are you really going to eat that "