body forgive me

Body forgive me, i know i do not need to see the menu.
a simple side salad will force the surrounding members of the table into the illusion that i am eating.

Body forgive me.
I know you do not like the taste of alcohol,
because as soon as the clear liquid reached my lips you were bringing the entire contents my stomach up my throat.
Does that now mean you do not like an form of food that reaches my mouth?

Body forgive me.
For the tears that i can not prevent from falling
when a girl sitting in the front of my class uses the word Anorexic as an adjective.
Like "how are you feeling?" "oh im feeling Anorexic"
You see i was not aware that was something we could do.
Do these students near me have any idea of what is like to be Anorexic.

Body forgive me,
for denying that i am Anorexic.
You see, i eat
just not in front of people.
I also order take out all the time,
only to throw it away.
And i bring lunch in my bag everyday to school,
only for it to end up in the trash when nobody is looking.
I want people to think that i eat,
but god forbid they see me eat.
I would die.

Body forgive me.
For not being able to look at an orange,
and see only an orange.
Not 60 calories or 100 crunches.

Body forgive me.
For the way i love to be around food,
in a room full of people eating,
i smile.
Flick the hair band on my wrist back,
until my skin is red and raw.
I walk past a vending machine, and smile.
220 calories for a chocolate bar.
That's 20 minutes of cycling, or a 6k run.

Body forgive me.
But i hate you.
And i tried to recover.
Did you see me try?
I was going so well
I had not been to the doctors in months,
and i was not fainting anymore.
But last week at work,
I became dizzy, and the world went black,
then came the migraine.
A feeling i had always hated.
A feeling i now missed.

Body forgive me.
Today my stomach made the noise of hunger
A cry not to delve into the habits of my past.
Instead of eating, i smiled.

I am sorry body.
i wish i could accept you
and i know i am killing you.
But today a girl i know told me how skinny i looked.

Body forgive me, because i liked it.

But body forgive me,
because it was not enough.