Harassed and Harasser....

2017 has been the year of women coming out to “out” sexual harassers from their past.  Enough is enough and kudos to those who have nothing to gain and everything to lose plus fear of possible retaliation from the “other.”
 
There is a difference between sexual assault  (4 degrees in NJ) and sexual harassment which normally takes place at work or in a school setting.
 
In 1987 as a sophomore in college,  I passed a young lady I knew on my college campus and smacked her on the butt with my right hand and she laughed.  On another occasion,  on a college trip to somewhere,  I smacked a woman who graduated from the college two years earlier and she turned around, got in my face and said “Don’t EVER touch my butt again!  You have no right to touch me!”   She was black,  loud, and assertive, and she taught me an important lesson.
 
It was the last time I smacked the buttocks of  any person unless they gave me permission.
 
In 2013, singer Taylor Swift, 23 at the time, took a 53 year old DJ to court alleging he reached his hand up her skirt and squeezed her cheek.  He sued her  3 million for costing his job, she sued him for $1 to prove she would not back down and because she wanted to take a stand for other women.
 
In 2006,  I had the love of my life break up with me,leaving me for another,  and I could not stop obsessing and suffering from heart break.  She asked to break communication with her,  and I called, e-mailed and stopped by her apartment unannounced in the Bronx, NEVER to cause her physical harm,  but hoping as she stood on her 8th floor apartment porch I could win her back as actor John Cusack did in the 2002  movie “Say Anything,”  when he went to his ex-girlfriends with a boom box holding it over his head playing the “In Your Eyes,” by Peter Gabriel.  The truth is,  by definition that legally is called “stalking,” and had my ex not been such a decent person,  had she filed with the police, she would have had a manila folder full of e-mails and a list of calls from me.
 
The REALITY is,  if I really loved her,  I would have shown it by respecting her boundaries, and  hoping the new guy she chose over me, brought her happiness.  It was my time to get out of business and to mind mine. I had not learned to love myself yet....and when I became my own best friend,  it was easier for me to let go of relationships that were unhealthy or healty.  
 
How do you know if someone wants to be with you?  If a person likes you, they will let you know and keep hanging out with you.  If they don’t,  have enough self-respect and self-love to let them go.
 
Similarities between sexual harassment and assault both are a) considered unwanted , uninvited sexual behaviors,  b) personal violations that can result in harm, c) can occur in a single episode or over time with repeated incidents,  d) often involve someone the victim knows and are e) often gender neutral.
 
In 2017,  42% of woman and 11% of men have been victims of sexual harassment.  In the military  (2012),  those reporting unwanted sexual touch was 13, 900 men, and 12, 100 women.
 
I have been on the receiving end as well.  On the Rockland Coach Bus along Route from Nyack to NYC,  I had a bald man named Piaggio touch my leg with his pinky until I threated to have the bus driver call the police on him. 
 
I had an ex hit me with a broom stick,  and threaten to shoot me with my deer rifle.
 
I have had guys hit me in the testicles thinking it is funny, but there is nothing funny about the vagal reflex,  actually it is quite painful.
 
Twice in my life,  gay men have propositioned me,  and kept pushing after I said no and explained I was hetero.
 
An excellent tool for me is a document I found on the internet called WHAT IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT put out the Women’s Watch at the United Nations.   Google www.UN.org/WomenWatch  PDF
 
For me,  I have not right to put my hands on anyone unless a) it is consensual and b)  it is with a person I love.  For my past transgressions,  I make amends by respecting others boundaries and standing up for mine.