Heavy

Today I bought weighing scales.
I hate myself right now.
I always swore my girls would not grow up with those things in the house.
That they would not see me obsessing over size.
Punishing myself with food,
For having bigger thighs!
I've been pro 'loving-the-skin-your-in'
and anti-dieting,
for over a decade.
I feel like my legacy is decaying.
I feel like I've gone back to being in my 20's
Weight-obsessed, calorie counting, lettuce leaves a plenty!
I'm so torn between that buzz, I'll admit, I get,
When someone says "wow, you've lost weight, you look great!"
And the hatred I have for all things that tell us,
We're not good enough in our present state!
I was healthy and fit and happy and FULL,
Now I'm heading towards thin,
Miserable, hungry and DULL!
But society says I look more attractive
Whilst I'm cooking different meals for my kids and they ask me...
"Mum why are you not happy being you anymore?"
I lie and say "I am darling" the scales hiding in the drawer.
Two little watchers scrutinizing me
As I plant the seed that was planted in me.
But hey I lost a stone in two weeks,
So I'll take a gold star, a clap and I've peaked!
I know I'm supposed to be proud of myself,
But I find it so hard to take compliments.
I know I should be proud and happy,
That society accepts me only when skinny.
Like being big means I can't be pretty,
Like we're nothing and useless unless itty bitty!