Poem - 17 March 2018, 07:20

Hole

no crimson potion gushing
a bruise will never appear
flesh will not be flawed anymore
so tell me Oh Wise one;
how do i heal … How?
how can this thing mend
no solid parts to replace
nor soothing cream for sorrow
an emptiness of nothingness;
deep down inside my marrow
i quiver with loves torment
Destinies Spear pierced my veins
and Fuck this agony is real
a stab wound from hell
devil rejoices in his numerous victory
Her heart once again has fallen
no delight, no ambition, only pain with a smile
so much anguish without proof
time is no remedy for loves pain
only years have passed
perhaps this is all in my mind
half a soul floats aimlessly aiming
sorry … I don't know the ending

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7 comments

Comments

Dean Kuch17 March 2018, 07:40

[Destinies] "Destiny's Spear pierced my veins" ... Since you're using the possessive of "destiny" here, Whispering Dream, this line needs to be written as revised. Unless you're writing about more than one destiny, of course. However, it didn't seem so given the context...

Alfred, Lord Tennyson–a famous classic poet and playwright–once wrote.
And I quote:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I think the guy was crazy, myself. I would have rather never loved at all.
Nice ink; keep up the good work.
~Dean Kuch

Whispering Dream17 March 2018, 07:50

I agree with him, I would rather love and feel the euphoria that come with love than not feel it at all. The pain is indeed worth the pleasure in this case, the pain is soul shattering and cruel but I truly believe it is worth it

I am indeed speaking of more than one destiny as this poem speaks of two people even if the emphasis is on one.
Thank you for your feed back.

Dean Kuch17 March 2018, 07:54

My pleasure.
Enjoy the day.

Whispering Dream17 March 2018, 08:10

You too :)

Dean Kuch17 March 2018, 07:58

If your intent was to speak of more than one destiny, consider changing the line to :

Destinies Spear pierced [my] our veins

That way the meaning would be a bit more clear.
~Dean

Whispering Dream17 March 2018, 08:09

Thank you but no, life is never clear so why should this poem be :)

Dean Kuch17 March 2018, 08:12

Yeah...you've got a point there, lol.
Just trying to help you avoid needless corrective comments, that's all. That is if anyone here reads closely enough.
I sure do...
~Dean :)