I avoid You, God

I avoid You, God
I wished I knew why
Maybe it’s because I feel reckless
Incapable and torn
That my efforts don’t match my personal goals

I avoid You, God
My mask is on 
I pretend am someone am not 
And I know that in order to speak -
I have to be real
And I fear that I have not done Your will 

I avoid You, God
Ashamed of what I’ve done
And I try to run 
To hide like Eve and Adam 
After they did the opposite of what they should have done 

I feel I have betrayed You 
I feel unworthy 
I feel weak when lust overtakes me
When my soul seeks my old ways
And I just wished I could skip this chapter and avoid the maze 

I avoid You, God
I don’t want to 
Cause I know in order to be who You created me to be
I have to run to You first - directly 

You have given me directions and I thought I was strong enough to follow through 
But the same happens on repeat when it’s about me and her
I don’t feel strong enough to leave the familiar behind 
And I honestly don’t feel it’s the right time 
Maybe I’m making excuses up in my mind
To continue to not let go of someone that was not ment for me to be mine 

I don’t know how to erase her from my life 
I don’t know how to leave when she tells me she wants to be my wife
I don’t understand why being two girls it’s a sin
All I want is to give her the ring
To get down on one knee and propose
To hold her close and give her hope 

The love I feel for her is real 
Please don’t get mad when I say my true feels 
If this is not Your will - than I need Your help to fulfill

Erase my lust 
Erase what’s not from You
Cause I know
That in the end 
I will always choose You

It’s a constant war
It’s this the battle between my will and Yours?
Or is it the battle of giving up my full control? 
The battle of trusting that You know best?
Leave my safety nest?
I guess it’s a test
A test to check if my heart is at line 
At least l learn every time I climb 

I fear that You will give up on me 
Like I’m a waste of Your time 
I’m scared that my actions don’t add up 
That I’m a lost cost
And that You regret Your choice of choosing me
Even though my spirit tells me:

My child 
My precious daughter..
Who knocked on your door?
Who goes before you? 
And Who stands behind? 
Who wanted this process to take place? 
Who wanted to open your eyes ?
To be aware of your patterns?
To heal your wounds?
Who wanted to create a path for you
A path that brings you back to my original plan for you?
I did - my child
I did
And I know that it feels hard 
But what I’m walking you trough 
Is making you rely less on her 
And more on me
This is me calling you to the deep waters 
This is me calling you to let go of your previous safety net
So trust me with your final breath 

I chose you before you were born 
And I knew parts of you would feel torn 
About my choice of choosing
I knew you would doubt my decision 
That I chose the wrong person for this mission 
I knew you would feel wreck-less 
Unworthy 
Not capable 
I knew you would fear not being good enough 
That I’m making a mistake 
But I never do mistakes 
And my word has the final say

My promise to you include the wrong choices you will make 
My promise to you include the mess up’s
The abandonment issues,
The insecurities, 
And the selfish tendencies

I would never promise you something, 
wait until you mess up
And than change my mind
My promises includes your skepticism, 
It includes your denial 
Your lack of understanding 
And the wrong paths you’ll take 
Simply because I am powerful
enough to turn things around and make new ways appear 

So ask as many questions as you like 
And I will continue to answer when the timing is right 
Don’t lose hope 
Don’t focus on your surroundings 
Lift your head to the hills
And trust The One who says He will