I can't do it.

I'm lost even though yesterday i felt that i was found. Its as if somehow something of me has wondered off somewhere. It was a pain to look, and i feel like if i tried now, I'll won't have the energy to do things that i would like to do, like being happy. Or making my own type of art that i would fall in love with, or not really enjoying others cause i would feel that theirs are much better then mine. I could work as much as they did, but they will always have the upper hand then me. My ignorant thinking puts me in bad state of mind, yet I know that I am but i dont try to get out of it. My mind is so clumsy, and my heart is so sore that they are both not working so well, not the way i think they should be working. My heart is more focusing on trying to heal, well my mind is making it worse. So I end up constantly battling with everything, and some of the battles I don't even kow that I'm in. Right now my energy is forcused on making myself look that I'm alright. My mind is also thinking on what to do next, and how can I get better. I'm just unsure on what i want, or what i need. Its like I'm mostly unsure if I can heal. Something, just something is making me suffer. Like I was in some dream that I was happy, I'm falling so fast that I'm not sure i can be catch, but I hope I land on something soft, but all these old thoughts seem to come back to me. Memory of how i felt when I was in this realm of depression. But cooping seems to be 2 times harder, the battle has just began, so here comes another round. Having a 1 week break was good though. Its something to think about. Maybe I've done something that I shouldn't have done, like wondering around, aimlessly. I did it only to look for opportunities, but just to end up back in this gloomy word, where sun doesnt seem to shine as brightly. What trap did I set off, how did I fall back in it? This state of mind, where it seems I can't do it.