I tried

I tried to be kind
But everything they said just made me angry 
I tried to act I had it all together 
But cried myself to sleep every night
I tried to recover 
By writing my feelings down on a piece of paper 
I tried 
But my sorrow was to heavy 
for me to carry 
at that time

I tried to stay positive 
But everything around me felt hopeless 
I tried to stay focused 
But everything they said i just filtered out
I didn’t saw the value in the conversations 
So I just pretend I listened 
While my mind was elsewhere 
Lost in the skies 
I was present 
But no one was home 
I existed 
But didn’t felt alive or whole
Yeah, I attended 
But I felt like I didn’t belong 
And I just wanted to go home

How can you expect me to have an opinion on what curtains looks best in your living room?
When I just came home from my honeymoon
Broken
Torn 
Childless 
I never thought my happily ever after 
Would start with so much disaster 
I’ve never pictured a marriage that
Would start with grief and sorrow all at once 
I couldn’t be happy 
I felt I wasn’t allowed to 
Yeah I got my man
But we lost what we shared 
I never thought losing you was in the cards 
And now the marriage is just an 
Once upon a time 
Long long time ago 
An absent narrative that is lost in my own conscience 
And they lived miserable ever after 

I tried to live my life like you never existed 
I tried to live my life like they all expected
To hide my pain 
To put on a smile 
To act like I was one of a kind 
To act like I was unbreakable
But the truth is
I denied it all
Cause a sorrow like that 
can’t even describe it all

I remember shouting and screaming
I remember me telling God to let me stop breathing 
I remember putting every blame on Him
“How could you do this to me” I yelled 
Pointing my fists to the sky for help
I just couldn’t believe this was my reality 
All I wanted was some clarity 

I tried to not blame myself 
But my head just pointed fingers
How could I change the outcome differently?
Was where a way?
Or any other solutions that could prevent the things from happening?
If we stayed in our hometown
Would you survive then?
If I didn’t swim or didn’t stayed in the sun
If I didn’t eat that 
shitty as spicy food 
Would you then survive?

Was there anything I could do to save you??
Or was I’m the reason you died? 
Was I’m the one to blame all the time?

I was to blame 
I was convinced 
But the hurt of that lie 
Made me push the blame away 
On to someone else
Maybe they’ll survive? 
I just have to share 
I don’t want it all for myself
There is room for others 

And somehow I wished 
I wished they all could feel
The pain 
And the shame 
The guilt 
I felt inside 

And something told me 
The pain would feel less
If I dragged it out on everyone else 
Maybe than I would feel alright 
Maybe than I could survive the night?

But little did I know 
The damage I made 
Not only for others
But mostly for myself 
Cause I’d never pictured myself as 
someone who could sink this low
I never thought I was capable of dragging down
Other people’s lives 
Just to feel the satisfaction 
In knowing I’m not alone with my hurting 

I was scared to be left alone 
Alone with my pain
Alone with my suffering 
Alone with my sorrow
Alone with my guilt 
Alone
Constantly reminded 
That no matter what I’ll never be your mother 

I just wanted to scream 
And shout it all out
I wanted them to know that I’ll never be alright 
That I’ll never be myself 
That I’ll never be whole
And its nothing that can fill the pieces that you stole 

I tried to put my walls up high 
I tried to act like everything was alright
I tried 
But no matter what 
you will subconsciously 
Always be on my mind 
And no matter what
You will forever be in my heart my son

I tried to live in denial 
It was easier that way 
I didn’t wanted to accept it
I thought it was all unfair 
That I as a mom had to say farewell 
Before it even began 
Before you’d even opened your eyes 

I’d carried you around 
I’d felt your heartbeat 
Dreamt of you 
Dreamt of what could have been 
Of what you would look like 
Was it a mini me or
a prince just like your dad?

They didn’t understand 
And I couldn’t explain 
So it was easier to let nature do its way
By letting in only as much as I could handle
While lightning a candle 
Memorizing the horrible truth on replay
Over and over 
In my head 

It was torture 
But I wanted to remember 
Cause I was to afraid 
To forget your lovely face

I was scared 
That the memories would fade
Terrified that they would become more and more blurry 
I was frightened 
Cause the memories was 
All I ever had with you 
And if they vanished..
Could you be gone for good?

249gram 
So little you fited into the palm of my hands 
Only 19 weeks
But even so 
So beautifully made
A perfect creation you were
A masterpiece, like no other 
unique, loved and cherished
 
I wished I could go back 
Just to stare
Stare on that beautiful, peaceful face 
You once wear
Just this once 
No worries you ever had 
No problems you ever need to solve
And you’ll never have to question 
How much you were loved 

He taught me something over the years 
He taught me that gratitude unlocks fullness in life 
That it turns what we have into enough 
That it can turn denial into acceptance 
House into a home
Stranger into a friend 
Meal into a feast
Chaos to order 
And confusion to clarity 

So for now I just want to say:
Thank you so much 
My precious son
Thank you so much
For having the honor of carrying you inside
I will forever be proud to call you mine 
And I can’t wait for the day to arrive 
When I can run as fast as my feet can carry me to embrace every part of your wellbeing