I'm Afraid

I’m afraid if I cry I won’t be able to breathe and I’ll drown within my tears
All the pain I’ve kept hidden, all the sorrow I’ve kept locked away, coming to the surface after so many years
When is too much to handle enough? And when is enough too much to handle?
My only way of communication is through these dancing flames on this little tired candle
Will I become something less of weak if I show my true emotions?
Will it mean that I’ve buried all of my attachments and devotions?
I’m afraid if I show that I can be something other than strong
My intentions will be judged, and my way of coping will be known as wrong
The way the birds chirp when there is no food supply
Makes me sit under a tree, stare up at the stars and continue to ask why
I have so many different feelings this poem doesn’t quite make sense
I’m trying my hardest to tell you how I feel, but the misery is so intense
I’ve lost a lot of things, and I’m continuing to lose
I find myself crying at night, when no one can see all the internal bruises
The ones that pull at my heartstrings 
Because another day I survived, another day missing you is all that life can bring
I’m afraid that if I give in to my darkest secrets
The person I worked so hard to create, will become its weakest
I know life comes after there’s been a sad death
But is it really fair for someone to take their final breath?
I’ll never understand how the world rotates or spins
Because I’ve had to hide and surrender to all of my deepest sins
I’m afraid that someday I will also become a memory
Because what the world gave me, it also takes away from me
So why give just to take? Why choose to love when it just creates a heartache?
I’ve kept the worst parts of me hidden almost completely
But as I get older, I realize, I’m falling apart more and more every day slowly
And because I am afraid, I’m not really sure what my life has to trade

Stephanie Davis
June 2021