Beautiful chaos

I hate me, I love me,
As I look in the mirror, am I looking at me? 
Or am I looking at the person everyone wants me wants me to be.
I really wish there was no pain in ending it all. 
Because no one’s gonna be there to catch me when i fall.
I guarantee you won’t be there to pick me back up.
I sit here stuck, lost, I’m at war with myself, If I keep you around long enough you just might just see why, 
I continue to chase this miserable high. 
I will do whatever helps me to numb all this pain.
But will you still rock with me when I’m going insane.
Love isn’t real. It’s just a 4 letter word. 
Look me in my my eyes and you’ll see all this pain I’ve endured. 
I won’t let you in,
I won’t tell you how I feel
Because in this world you play for keeps, and maybe someday I’ll heal. 
Fuck being real when everyone around you acts fake. 
You can walk all over me,
and I’ll watch all the advantage you’ll take. 
As I sit here and not say a word. 
I’m saying all the words that don’t need to be heard. 
Some might say “she’s just soft spoken” “yeah she’s a little bit shy” .
No bitch I’m hurting and I can’t even begin to explain why. 
I sit here constantly battling my fucking self every day. 
Can I die with out actually dying?
I wish I knew the way. 
You can’t help me when I can’t even help myself. 
So just take a seat as I bottle my shit away on a shelf. 
I wish I could just seize to exist. 
I sit here and think to myself will I even be missed? 
I don’t want your sympathy,
so don’t feel bad for me at all. Lately I been so angry I wanna smash my head through a wall. 
I sabotage anything good that comes my way.. 
I’m fucked up in the head,
what more can I say? 
Take a good look in the mirror, do you like what you see?
Or have you lost yourself too being what everyone wants you to be?