Poem - 07 May 2022, 17:49

It's never been the same again

It’s never been the same....

I can’t walk one step without thinking of you each day.
Everything I do in life,
It’s you I seem to emulate.
Every smell that I savour from the past,
Reminds me of you and how you came not,
To everlasting.
For me Dad,
You’re my everything.
With you not around,
Things have never been the same....

As I look to the side,
Still over ten years,
I still expect to see your reassuring smile in my eye.
But every time I look,
There’s just space,
No more is there,
you and I.
My back is Against the world,
Without you in it.
My lifetime river’s continued to dry.
All I know truthfully is now,
Is that you reside over me,
From your throne,
Way past,
The night time sky.

Falcon hairspray,
was a must,
Back in those days,
When your hair,
Was only,
Half attached...
You’d spray it down in the morning,
Afternoon and the eve.
I remember pulling at it constantly to friends,
To show.
It weren’t no weave.
They thought it was a wig,
A toupee.
So I always had to show them,
by pulling at it,
Naturally.
See,
seeing is believing,
And I’m not just talking,
Figuratively.
As everyone saw the whole truth,
Maybe not to begin with,
But eventually.
Evidently under your peaked cap,
Falcon held it,
Steadily.
As you’d take it right off,
And your whole piece would stay,
Not a single hair stray.
Perfectly.

The smell of old spice,
Still resonates in my memories airwaves.
He didn’t just wear it weekly,
He’d wear it all his days.
It was the scent I first wore,
To an 11 year old school rave.
Coming home drunk.
Oh those were the days,
Explaining to my hero,
what a night I’d just had,
Swaying both ways.
He knew.
Even if I denied.
Didn’t he always?
Then the rest of his time was spent,
Doting on me.
Oh my,
Not him.
Not my little boy James.
He’d never play rough,
No matter the games.
It’s always those others,
Trying to put him in frames.

We’d go down the pub from young.
The excuse?
to knacker me out,
As around the place I’d run.
So craftily,
A drink he’d scout.
Just us,
Not mum.
He taught me to play pool,
A visionary at necking a pint.
And then even more some.
He taught me to be social.
To be confident to talk about anything.
To anyone.
Regarding what,
It never really mattered,
They all loved you dad,
Everyone!
Our whole families,
Whole cohesion though,
Has now completely shattered.
Since you’ve been gone.
It seems its each person for themselves,
Like no one,
Really,
In the family,
anymore matters.
You’d be the middle man.
The argument closer,
With your quick wit and laughter alone,
Would fix anything that’d be in tatters.

You’re the perfect image of what a father should be.
You shared every single one of your emotions with us all.
Equally.
When you were really around dad,
There was no division within,
The Bevan family.
When we walked the dog through fields of gold or fields of green,
We always had jokes and laughter,
In the middle,
in-between.
All my time spent with you,
My smile would gleam.
Having you in our family,
Made it feel like we truly were,
and are,
the one and only dream team.
Unfortunately fate is inexorable,
What will be,
Will be.
Especially if looking at your family tree!