I've tried

I hate how i look at others and want to be just like them
Or when i see someone else happy and wish i could feel the same
But i cant
Ive seen so many posts of how others changed their outlook on life
Changed their opinion of themselves
And im truly proud of them
Amazed

While I try and try and try to look at my beauty
But all i can see are my flaws
My round cheeks that puff up when i smile
My nose which isnt perfectly arched
My hair that frizzes at the smallest brush stroke
I tell myself 'NO your beauty isnt just skin deep. It goes further'
But all that does is strike me down even more as i go through the list of none physical flaws

Im not an idiot
I understand that im beautiful
I understand that i just have to be patient
That one day someone will see my beauty
I know this deep within my heart
But my mind is made of razor blades
That are cutting through everything that counts
My nerves
My heart
My everything
But it never breaks the surface of my skin
It never shows

No not until late in the night where im tossing and turning to hot under the blanket but to scared outside of it
Having trouble falling asleep because of the tears that threaten to spill over the edge of the already full glass
Just like the tired scream threatening to break through my bleeding lips
My covers thrown over my head wrapped tightly around my body mimicking the arms of a person
Yet never satisfying this urge
The craving for another persons warmth
And love

The thought that i may never love myself
That i may never love someone else or be loved back crushes my chest making it impossibly  hard to breathe
And yet i fight through the needles that stab my heart everytime it beats
And force back the razor blades i call my mind and tell myself that 'i may be stabbed or cut but if not for these wounds, why else would we need bandaids'