life with a narcissistic sociopath

I've never felt so ugly in my own skin. so uncomfortable in my own home... or at least the place that's supposed to be home.... I sit here and judge myself constantly.... my skin isn't clear enough... my tummy is too fat and flabby.... I have too many stretch Mark's.... my hair is too frizzy.... my teeth aren't straight or healthy enough.... I do all of this because I suffer from society.....yes I said society.... to me society and anxiety are the same thing.... i hear those around me judging each other and even those they don't know..... i do this because i spend all evening hearing from you that I am not clean enough.... that I'm not taking care of my kids right.....that I can't do anything right.... I do this because I hear daily that I am not good enough..... that i am a horrible person....I believe you.... I listen to you tell me that I am not good enough because you are afraid you aren't....... and I still believe you.... my anxiety at an all time high.... my depression has me falling fast and hard to my lowest....... I'm standing on the edge clinging to a tearing thread for my life and you..... you break out the scissors and tell me I did it myself because I let it get to that point ....... I try and talk to you about the things that bother me..... in Hope's we can fix them together...... instead you call me down and make me feel smaller than a micro organism....... you tell me it's all in my head and that I am just crazy because you treat me good.... yet every day i hear how horrible i am.... how I don't do things your way so its wrong.... I hear from your lips that I cannot be myself because myself is an ugly person that doesn't deserve to live...... yet it's all in my head.... you tell me I am not allowed to talk to anyone about our problems because they make you look bad.... yet it's all in my head...
somehow it's all my fault.... I deserve to be treated like dirt.... torn from the only support system me and my kids had....because you wanted to be happy somewhere else... you didn't like that I had people to run too when you hurt me..... so you closed me off and made me feel like I was alone..... you made me believe I was just bothering my family by asking for help when I needed it..... you told me I was worth nothing and that I should just disappear..... DISAPPEAR...... I am pretty close to it.... I feel like I have already...... I'm not me anymore...... and it's my own fault...... it's my own doing...... by staying so long..... and putting up with the constant criticism..... it's my own fault for letting you treat me the way you do.... it's my own fault for letting you slowly beat it into my head that I am nothing..... it's my own fault for letting you abuse me mentally.....  after years of physical abuse.... you finally realized that bruises and cuts show who you truly are..... so you changed to mental abuse..... you constantly nip at everything I do and tell me I'm never going to be loved by anyone...... because IM too much trouble..... suddenly I have the problems.....tell me again how it's my own fault you feel like you need to torture me on a daily basis? ............ you've finally did it..... I am no longer here for you to hide from the world and criticize..... I have given in to the pain and taken it away...... now how do you feel?...... am I good enough now?..... that I am gone?..... is everything I do still wrong?..... now that i cannot do it anymore?...... am i taking care of my kids right yet?........ now that mommy has gone to heaven?....... I took my life because I was told daily that it wasn't worth living............................ and yet somehow it was all my own fault.....??