loss of a father....

I am broken lost and I feel alone more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life, I am drowning and fighting for air, I feel like shutting down I feel like running and hiding and never coming out again, I don't know how to deal with this loss so I'm choosing to not believe it's true I keep thinking maybe it's all a dream or some cruel joke to make me feel the pain I may have caused them in the past but I know it's true and I know that they would never play such a cruel joke though I don't want to believe your gone I don't want to believe that you won't be there when I get home I keep begging God to tell me why you? why now? why? I beg for some sort of guidance as to how to deal with such a great loss but every time I get no answer...... nothing to make me understand why he had to take you from this world nothing to ease the pain of losing the only father I have ever known....... i miss you already.....more than I can bear I try to keep my head up and focus on my child (who happens to be in the hospital at the moment) but my heart keeps slowly shutting down I'm fighting with all I have in me to keep from giving up i look into my baby's eyes and I grip tight to reality I need to be strong for my children just like you were for us but my heart is so hurt and broken I just don't know how I wish I was there..... i wish I got to say goodbye one last time to you dear father....i wish I was a better daughter and was there for you more than I was I am sorry I wasn't there daddy I love you and I miss you...