Madness in disguise

Madness in disguiseHahahahahaha!
Is all I hear in my head.
My joker card laughing still at me,
Wanting me dead!
I don’t think it realises,
I Block out all that’s said.
I’m trying to find my inner peace.
How can I though in this head.
As inside,
 I’m falling to pieces.
Jigs and saws.
Pieces with a jagged edge.
They don’t quite fit.
Like a Picasso painting.
So in the end,
The odd can be perfect.
Although this perfection isn’t free of faults,
Or Of defects.
That’s the truth of it in this joker life of mine..
No point in lying.
Nor of denying.
Hahahahahaha is still all I hear,
From the deepest,
Most Darkest,
Parts of my mind.
Some of the things I know now as an adult,
I knew as a 6 year old child.
Even playing its cards way back then.
From sexual abuse to alcohol poisoning.
Even pneumonia that was harsh,
Not mild.
Some I could have died from.
Whilst others left a mark,
A scar.
On the In and outside.
My joker card is like the blitzkrieg!
Lifelong though,
And Minus the crystal meth.
It keeps ploughing through me,
And is always there,
Like a thorn in my side!
Hahahahahaha again is all that’s heard.
Is it not absurd,
That each second that I live,
I survive,
Yet get forever hurt.
I pick myself up again
To find my face,
Back,
Pushed firmly to the hard ground.
Back in the dirt.
One step forward.
Ten steps back.
When will this joker card relinquish.
And take itself,
Once and for all,
Off of my back!
It leaves me on thin ice.
Hung by a single thread.
My joker card is not a fun jester,
As this jester wants me to suffer.
It wants me dead!