Meaning of Christmas (uncut version)

T'was the night before Christmas and all through our house, was murder and mayhem as we searched for THAT mouse!

The horrid grey vermin had sharpened it's teeth on the telephone wires, the tree and a wreath!

The sparkling young fairy now hung at an angle, our twinkling lights just a terrible tangle,

and as for the needles! I'd rather not say....but grandpa's now walking a VERY odd way......

We can't phone the doc so he'll just have to cope, though the neighbour did give him some painkilling dope.

He nervously took an enormous great puff, went purple, then green, then a weird kind of buff......

he spluttered and gasped as he struggled for air, turned round in a circle and collapsed in a chair!!!

He's been there for hours but no-one's complained, 'cos he quiet and happy, from "humphing" refrained.

Poor mum was disgusted! Was shaking with rage at his reckless behaviour.... a man of HIS age!!!

She needed a shot of medicinal gin but it worked really fast, as she's terribly thin!

"ANOTHER!!!" She cried as she brandished her glass, then promptly fell backwards and flat on her arse.....

Was she deterred? Most certainly not! She lunged for the bottle and guzzled the lot!

What followed thereafter made everyone gape, as she scaled up the tree...wearing Molly's red cape.

Her "mission" she said, was a serious one! Of utmost importance and had to be done......

then she hitched up her skirt, sat atop, and quite lary, announced to us all she would now, "BE THE FAIRY!!!"

The children guffawed and hollered out loud, which unfortunately drew in a rather large crowd.

As I raced round the house pulling closed all the blinds, I feared they had noticed we'd all lost our minds...

Then turning to Shone in my moment of need, found she'd climbed in the fridge for a secretive feed!

As I opened the door I recoiled in fright, for Shona mid feed is a TERRIBLE sight!!!

Her cheeks were as full as a squirrels with nuts as she crammed in great handfuls of cheese and cold cuts!!!

Slamming the door in a fit of despair, I decided to start on our sumptuous fayre.

The turkey was stuffed, the veggies were peeled, the pigs in their blankets were all tightly sealed

and just for one moment I thought all was well, a feeling of happiness made my heart swell.

Then suddenly came the most thunderous CRASH! a SCREAM and a WAIL and the sound of a BASH!!!

Our poor little tree had given it's all, and toppled, creating a terrible sprawl!

I stood there, agog at this terrible scene, a tangle of limbs in a forest of green.

My babies were flattened face down on the floor, where Molly gave out the most earsplitting roar!!!

Poor Toby had somehow, in all of this mess, managed to slip down the back of her dress.....

and Lucy was frozen in petrified shock 'cos an inch from her nose was his SMELLY OLD SOCK!!!!

But the greatest surprise in this dreadful melee was that grandma had STAYED on the TOP of the TREE!!!!!

I fell to my knees, couldn't take anymore, when came a loud ratatatat at the door,

so though I was weary I opened it wide and in came the man with his sacks by his side.

He stood there resplendent, this red suited man, but alas it's not Santa, it's first born son Sam.

With sacks full of smalls and they smell pretty ripe, like a mixture of cat poo and very old tripe!

Our family together, all filled with good cheer. THIS was the reason we gathered each year,

and maybe we'd had a tumultuous day but deep down inside, we preferred it this way.......