Miracle of Motherhood

Born with a purpose, he told me,
The delicate design that is the inner workings of this, a woman's body, you were built to do just that, to woman. To collect what man gives and mold it, birth it from cells and little else into a living, breathing life form, a woman who does not bring forth from her working womb, another human being shows disloyalty to God. Deserves no praise. How dare you take such a gift as this, a factory meant to mass reproduce, how dare you throw that away? "Blessed is the mother with many children, in her faithfulness to the Lord." That's what he told me. As if, ha! As if ladies are built of brick and mortar and machine instead of flesh and feelings. Why has no one ever declared blessed are the purposely barren for their desire to remain fiercely independent?

When I was born, I came out a copy of the one who's inner self saw me being built before her eyes ever did, and they say Congratulations! Here she is, your little girl. With those words, comes the great responsibility, your future bodies ability to Mother. Praise puberty, produce life out of yourself and another but you get the hard work, he gets all the pleasure. 

Womanhood. What a gift, he said. He'd take that honor if he could but when I say, please do, I don't want it, they all look at me with side show horror, because I am woman. Woman, they scream: this is your birth right, your sacred duty. 
Sometimes they are softer, other women yes, they whisper, that tenderness will come someday. Like the tooth fairy takes teeth and leaves money, something magical will take the obvious bitter out of my heart and replace it with maternal instinct. I played with dolls because I wanted friends not because I wanted to be a mommy. They reassure me there is still hope for me, my opinion will be fixed, the rise of women choosing careers over family's, it's an up and coming epidemic. Don't worry you still have time to realize the big mistake you're making.

Articles are written, passed around and commented on "if you don't want children, don't get married" "you are so selfish to deny the miracle of motherhood" "what your husband/boyfriend/partner must think of you" 

Sometimes, I want to dissect myself, remove that which seemingly gives me worth, my bodies own little factory inside turn it off and shut it down. When I was 17, I told my mom I wanted to have a hysterectomy. She told me to wait it out, it wasn't worth going through menopause before my life had even really begun. I see her point about the menopause, but whenever someone mentions my ticking, biological ability to pop out babies, I want to offer them the knife and scalpel, feel free to remove my precious inner workings. 

I have often swapped between the idea of never having children and giving in but I think of how for 19 years I fought the system I've felt forced on me since I got my first period. Ironic that being pregnant is so praised while public nursing is so shamed. Bodies forever under scrutiny. Oh and for periods, I've finally understood why they feel the need to keep our monthly Red weeping a secret, it's not enough that our bodies punish us, no. It's the push of thought that we are wasting the one valuable about us. 

Call me bitter. 
It's okay. 
I may still have my own kids someday. If I do, he and I have already picked out the names, 
But should I choose to let my body age without ever playing tea party host to another growing body, do not shame me. Do not shame me for wasting the only talent every woman is born in common with, my uterus is no longer allowed to be a topic of your discussion. 
I could finish by quoting "No Uterus, No Opinion" but even if you have one, leave mine alone.