My First Panic Attack

 My first panic attack:

White noise,

A flushed face,

Alone at 3 am,

A pacing heart,

A thought of death,

Unable to breath,

Memories of my father,

Hoping it would end.

Thinking it was a downward spiral into nothingness.

It slowly dissipated.

But unbeknownst to me this was my life now.

Day after day a cloud of what ifs.

What if I get in a car crash?

What if a stormed kills us?

What if my mom dies?

What if I don't wake up?

I stopped sleeping at night.

I slept during the day so that I would be watched over.

I stopped eating because what if I choke what if my life slips away?

I stopped socializing.

I stopped being Austin Posey.

I became a broken shell.

I became dark bags under my eyes.

I became the odd one out.

My last panic attack:

I said this was enough.

6 years of darkness,

Thoughts of suicide,

The taste of the barrel of a 9mm was enough.

I was done.

It wasn't me.

I took control of this little ant in my mind.

I started living.

I started believing in myself.

I started loving instead of fearing.

I started to be the man my dad would want me to be.

I am no longer defined by a state of mind,

I am defined by my actions.

I am ALIVE.

Depression and Anxiety will never control me again.