My Psychotic Episode

I once sat a psychology test
Where I was assessed as “subtly institutionalised”
I wasn’t too sure at the time
But now I’ve realised

I live alone and half- asleep:
When my mother visits me
She points out things that
Need to be done
That I hadn’t thought about
Or seen.

I lived with my mother
Until the age of twenty nine
Then I got a place on my own
A whole home I could call mine.

I don’t  know why
I’m half- asleep
I think though it might be as a result
Of having Cerebral Palsy and epilepsy
Which can leave me feeling rough.

Very occasionally I have a bad migraine:
If I rest and let it pass
It leaves me feeling fresh and alert:
The feeling doesn’t last.

BUT for the short time that it does
I’ll have insights- well sometimes-
And develop certain beliefs
Which are not always right.

Five weeks of living alone
And my character projected everywhere
I had one of these bad migraines
And spent three days in bed.

Around about this time
I became obsessed with the film
“The Sixth Sense”
I started reading things into it
And wondered what its writer
Might have meant.

Two days after feeling ill
I watched the film once more
Since I have an interest in psychology
This thriller had some allure.

And whilst watching the film
About a doctor and child patient
An epiphany struck me:
"The patient is helping the doctor
Though it’s not too clear to see".

I paused the film at a particular scene
And grabbed the telephone
Called my Mum: “I’ve just had an epiphany
And did not want to be alone.

My mother was rather worried
She and her partner both came round
And found me rather agitated
My mind was not quite sound.

It’s hard to describe my behaviour.
I couldn’t control myself.
Couldn’t help what I said or did-
Such was my mental health.

I felt as though I was an actor
Playing a part of sorts
And that these actors visiting me
Weren’t responding as they ought.

They got me in the car-
And to the hospital we went.
Child locks on- I was trying to get out
Even as we sped.

My next memory is of being
In a hospital bed, sobbing,
People around me.
If I had experienced delusions
They left, but only temporarily.

I was transferred to a psychiatric ward
Where I spent the next two weeks.
Delusions returned:  They were trying to kill me.
Relief I tried to seek.

I became convinced too
That I could save people
With the power of my thoughts
By sending telepathic instructions
I realise now that I was caught

Up in a myriad of powerful dreams
Unable to distinguish them from reality
Perhaps it stemmed from the migraine
Perhaps from epilepsy.

I remember being in a room alone
Pacing up and own
Scribbling occasional notes on a newspaper
By my bed and on the ground.

I was convinced a doctor
Was hiding under my bed
Writing whilst my back was turned
Putting ideas in my head.

(I would pace across the room
And then back to my bed
And see on the newspaper
Words I was sure I hadn’t read).

I have recollections of talking
To my father about certain past regrets
And talking through these with him
And also other little upsets.

The second week in hospital
I find easier to call to mind
Chatting with other patients
And the doctors who were kind.

Back at work I was genuinely surprised
To find I’d been off a fortnight
I thought it had only been a week
But then my mind had not been right.

Looking back now I’m not quite sure
What prompted my psychotic episode
I’d probably been mollycoddled all my life
So to suddenly be alone

Put me out of my depth:
And in uncharted territory
Prompting a bad migraine
Or a bout of epilepsy.

And I'm not sure why
In watching "The Sixth Sense"
I reacted in the way I did
It was just a sudden understanding
After all
And nothing all that big.

Was it a spiritual awakening of sorts-
Facing the world and all it brings
No-longer being protected
Under my mother’s wing?

No-longer having her there
And me- half dependent on her wealth
She was not cooking or cleaning now.
I had to do this myself.

I had a brief relapse a few years later-
Again after feeling unwell
Could another psychotic episode occur?
I think only time will tell.

MDC