Never be good enough

Back again with these thoughts on my mind.
The voices in my head just can't stay left behind.
They scream I'm ugly and a fuck up for life.
They are the sole fuckin reason I cut myself with that rusty knife.
It never stops it never ends, and it tells me that  the needle is my Only best friend.
"Why do I listen?"" Why do I bow?"Everyone asks and wonders how.
No one knows this battle in my head.
One of these days they may find me dead.
I know that sounds terrible but believe me when I say death is better than just to simply exist.
People label me a "junkie" and a piece of shit but I'm only numbing myself bcuz I've been thru so much hurt.
I pray to my god everyday to just make all this horrible pain go away.
But in the end the voices are whispering in my ear "hey come out and play".
These demons are never gonna leave me alone.
When they're around I wanna have my head completely severed or blown.
I want my life to b happy and full of joy but yet these demons use me as their little puppet toy.
They pull the strings, I'm just their doll they are the masters of these strings and everytime (it never fails) they only fuck things up and make me fall, Flat on my face and they leave many bruises on my arm with their neglectful charm.
They are the reason that everyone who has ever tried to overcome this loses.
It's a never ending battle of pain and distress.
I feel so lost and fuckin depressed.
I'm crying for help but no one will save me.
I'm drowning in a sea made from my tears and not even sure which are my greatest fears.
wish someone would tell the devil I don't want him near.
I want to be happy bcuz I'm soon to be a wife but I don't understand why he chose for me to stay forever in his life.
I'm really not good enough, especially not for him. He deserves better because I feel like my crazy mental disorders will only make his life so grim.
Hopefully we can overcome this dope and the lifestyle that goes with it because I really don't know how I can remain safely in it.
Cutting is just the beginning and they all thought that was so bad, but believe me it'll get worse n then they'll really be mad.
--Crystal Dawn Cox
2017