New version on " It" ALWAYS WINS

 No one knows the feeling I get when I'm alone ready to explode.  Not because I am mad or sad but a little bit of both.  The feeling that completely sets you off the edge ready to jump.  To feel the icy water touch your skin, a breath of fresh air but with the hint of fear.  Cascading with water and fire but interact with one another. It's ongoing action playing into your life taking day by day to understand why you can't step foot outside your steps.  Why you can't shop for food or go out with your friends because the devil and angel will follow you there telling you "go have fun but not too much fun" .  Either way I'm still not understanding why my brain does this. Am I messed up? I'd like to think so.  Being in a room alone sets fire to rain. Never putting out each other just battling for one to take over you.  Until both lose and decide  that each will do it's own job destroying you. Pain is intense but the worst is fighting with your own. Trying to mentally preparing yourself for the next episode to happen but you can't seem to figure out when that will be. Instead you sit there all alone with thoughts running though your head. About how you are not good enough but you are trying to be tough. In a continuous loop everyday is exhausting. But when I do go out, I seclude myself from others because I think something is wrong with me. But how could that be. See nothing is wrong but with this disease, everything and anything is out to get me. Including myself. All the time, every single day I get up out of bed. This is what I live for. I can't control it but it controls me, Day by day.  Hour after hour.  Alone versus not alone. IT WILL ALWAYS WIN.