THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS

Was the night before Christmas and I fancied a treat 
The kids were in bed, and my wife was on heat 
The doors were all locked, the phone off the hook 
It was time for some action, by hook or by crook 

The wife stripped to her panties, in seconds I was nude 
She gave me 'that' look, with a hot attitude
When out from the garden, we heard such a cry
That my hard-on went limp, the wife went bone dry 

"Look out of the window", the wife gave a yelp 
So I tore back the curtains, with a bull like stealth 
In the moonlit shadows, near the snowman we'd made
Was what looked like Santa, looking ever so dismayed 

He was smoking a spliff, drinking bottles of beer
On a rusty old sleigh, with eight clapped out reindeer 
A little Elf was driving, hanging out of the sled 
Wearing knickers round his neck, and a bra on his head 

His eyes were bright pink, he was high as a kite 
Yelling at his Deer in a tone of pure spite
"Dasher, Dancer, and Comet, you klutz 
Either slow down this sleigh or I'll cut off your nuts 

We just missed a lamp post, and nearly hit a tree 
'cos I said, pull over, the boss has to pee
I warned you at the brass house, to take it nice and easy
It's Santa's 'big night' and he's feeling all queasy"

"That was some brothel," Santa said with a smile 
"The reindeer are knackered, so we'll rest up awhile
My head's up my arse, I'm desperate for a drink
I've presents to deliver and I'm too pissed to think

My wife and I panicked, picked our clothes off the floor
'Fuck me,' it's Santa and he's knocking at our door!
We ran down the stairs with no longer a care
Gone was the hard-on, it was Santa out there!

The wife opened the door in her Xmas negligee
To a bumbling old piss head who had fuck all to say
He babbled and burped, was larey and rude
I couldn't believe Santa was so obnoxious and crude

He staggered to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee 
The old boy was huge, right down to his knee

His suit stank of perfume and it wasn't Dior 
He looked like a bum, but smelled like a whore
In time he was rested, took reigns of his hitch 
Saying, "Hit the road Rudolf, this night's been a bitch!" 

The events of that night were certainly weird
By a grumpy old piss head with a white fluffy beard
'Twas a memorable night that we'll never forget
Santa crashed in our garden, now who would of bet?