Nightmares Of Hell

I wake up
In a cold sweat
Heart racing
Tears streaming down my face
The clock blinks 1:45 AM
Another night
Another nightmare
Another one of my deepest fears
Released
Into my imagination
This one consisted
Of running through a crowd
Chasing after something of a shapeshifter,
Every time I look it’s another person
Who I have loved
I’m chasing,
Quick as I can
Being pushed back
By the mass of flesh around me
As the form of my loved ones
Disappears into the crowd
And I trip
I fall
And am trampled
By the people walking along the street
I angrily wipe the tears from my cheeks
And turn over
Trying to get back to sleep,
Tossing and turning for what feels like hours,
Finally drifting into another disturbed sleep
This time,
It’s not a dream,
Or at least it doesn’t seem like one
More of a memory at first glance
It’s blurry, like a new baby’s vision
And I’m rocking back and forth,
A foggy male figure whispers to me softly,
Using the tender voice
Used only by an new father
With his infantile new pride,
His first, his only daughter
He whispers
“Daddy loves you.”
“Daddy will always love you.”
“As long as Daddy is near, you will be safe.”
“You will always be ‘Daddy’s Little Princess.’”
A feeling of comfort, of warmth
Of strength and pride,
Of belonging,
Courses through my veins.
I hear a newborn giggle,
And am startled
Until I realize
That sound originated
From my own being
I wake with a start.
Tears streaming once more
A hollow sting of emptiness in my chest.
The clock blinks 3:17 AM
This was the worst kind of nightmare.
A reminder of what I no longer have
Of what I never will
A reminder that I am not capable
Not capable of feeling
Nor receiving
This disease they call “love”