Nobody.

I miss being a child. The problems I have now I wouldn’t. That’s not to say that I need to grow up. It’s to say that I’m tired of being okay with the shit that’s happened to me. The world formed around me is ugly. People with good hearts end up homeless. And alone. I feel and fear that one day that’ll happen to me. At first I thought well hey everything you can be forgiven over time but is it really? Or have we not lived long enough for it to repaid. When the good die young I thought it as a expression. I soon realized that maybe that’s the goal. 

Like when people commit suicide that’s still considered bad. Even though you went on your own terms. Because maybe you couldn’t deal with your own evil. But that’s stupid right? Even the good commit suicide. Like that little boy who died because some bullies told him to kill himself. Where’s the justice in that? 

I wrote this note not knowing where I’m going with it. Just like the life I live. Doing something I love not knowing where ima go. Isn’t that scary? I wonder what 5 years later look like for me. Like is the superhero I wanted to be as a child is that in the future? And how much money will I have spent just to get there? cause they say money is the root of all evil. But you need money to do some of the things you love. Even now like I’m writing this on my phone in my bed with sheets and covers and pillows with a fan blasting on my skin watching tv in the room of a house I don’t own. All of this cost money. So I kinda wonder like are we evil? 

I mean we go to our jobs and make something that is the root of evil. And if money doesn’t grow on trees then why are there three branches of the government? I mean the United States mint is the manufacturer of money but the word mint actually comes from a plant named mentha. So money the root of all evil grew the mint that has three branches on it that forms a government. So money grows on trees, pigs can fly and I wrote this to try and find a point of it all. Just like life, what’s the point? What’s my purpose? What am I here for? 

I’m not a deep thinker. In fact I wrote this to find a subject of my life I wanna talk about. I can’t seem to find any. I can’t seem to let things go and let them be. The more I try to let go what was said and what happened the more I feel like I’m soft. Then I look at my fights and think I can’t be. I used to punch people in the mouth for what was said. But in some cases I didn’t fight. Even when I really wanted to. There’s a lot of things that hurt me in my past and the fact I can’t shake it makes me to believe that I have voice to be heard. But for some odd It’s like I’m in a empty parking garage loud enough to be heard due to the echoes but nobody around to actually hear what I’m saying. That’s just what I am apparently. A people pleasing maybe a attention seeking nobody. Cause even after I post this no one would really care. And no matter how numb I feel to not caring I do aspire to grab their attention. Cause their attention gets me the money I need to be successful not rich but successful. Successful people is looked at by riches at least to me. But they mean riches as money I mean riches as my heart. So if I’m already rich at heart but not successful then people don’t really care. They kill whose rich at heart or won’t give them the time of day. So that makes me a nobody whose rich at heart. What a life.