Breaking Glass

I honestly don't know how many more obstacles in life I can take
I feel like I'm sheltered now only by a thin sheet of glass, 
and soon this shattering crack, is bound to break
I feel like no one could care less anyway, 
I'm just some loser labeled as lower class.
I feel like this is my punishment for running away from my problems
And getting lost along the way, just trying to find the greener grass..
I left home when I was 19, I'm going to be 34 in less than 5 months,
You do the math, and then you try to tell me,
Why I shouldn't feel like anything, other than a complete ass.
I mean I have a lot that's going on in my head
I can't remember what time, or even what days,
Something specific might or could have been said
Because it seems like when I'm distracted that,
That's when my brain decides to wander and stray
I'm trying to reach out for help, I'm even trying to get counseling
But it's never anything short of a verbal combat,
It feels like I'm never going to get professional help again,
And soon, I'm going to have to start doing my own research, 
And soon, I'm going to have to start self diagnosing,
But this isn't the only thing that's been bothering me
My demons are sadly just the beginning of
this long, life-term mental rollercoaster of a journey.
My mom's currently suffering with lung cancer
And as much as I love her, I'm sorry, But I cannot enter a church
Because I'm not sure where my faith really is right now,
Because her children's love and care wasn't enough to be
Her long, life-term life enhancer
So I spend some of my days doing nothing but sitting here on my bed
Going through old memories like my brain is broken and stuck on repeat
But now that I'm physically around her, I can't stand to be near her
I know this sounds cruel, but it's not entirely me, 
but the demons living inside of my head
I don't know how I'm any stronger than my mother, 
Maybe it's because I chose to live, and she's being consumed by defeat
And still, these are just a couple of things really bothering me
I'm in a relationship but I still feel so alone
Maybe because we both spend numerous hours on our phones
Some days are real good, some days are just hard
Depends on the day I guess, or maybe our moods I suppose
I don't really know what is going on, I do know I try my best though
Sometimes I want to isolate myself to the point of telling him to go
Because somewhere deep down at the bottom of my now frozen heart
I don't make him happy and he's just miserable and seems to be settling
But what about me? I know if I let him go it would shred me to pieces
I'm being honest, I love him so much that it's literally tearing me apart
Sometimes, I wonder if he's waiting for me,
To tell him to kick rocks and start pedaling
But I'm not that type of person, I don't like confrontations
I don't want to possibly start any trouble or create any mischief
I'm not the self centered type to thrive off of ego meddling
I just miss my man, and our weekend long conversations
He stole my heart from the second we started talking
But I'm not quite sure where his heart is, 
To put it in simple words, maybe I'm just not a good thief
I'm going through so many obstacles in life right now
And I'm physically only one person, I don't want to feel anymore of this stress
I don't want to wake up every morning just to repeat the same miserableness
I don't want to continue existing, I want to start living
So I've got to get back out on my own and get away from all of this mess
No, I'm not running this time, but I'm going to do this the right way
I'm going to love from a distance, because I feel it's better off this way. 
This poem is just a glance of how I'm really feeling, 
I'm sorry if you don't agree with everything I've had to say
All I ask is please keep your negative comments at bay
In fact, just save them for another worthless day
I'm not going to be able to be stronger much longer
This glass will eventually in fact snap, and break
I've tried to tell people I've got much more than I can handle on my plate
But somehow, one way or another, I'll figure it all out
And tell myself, I'm not okay but I'm fine,
and that's just because I survived another lonely day

Stephanie Davis
12/31/2024