ODE TO MENOPAUSE

I woke up this morning
Dripping with sweat!
Changed my pajamas            
Cause they were all wet!

I woke up 4 times
All through the night.            
What's going on?
I don't feel right.

I'm crabby and happy,
I'm weepy and weird.            
There's a hair on my chin!
Am I growing a beard?

Am I getting sick? 
Am I getting old?            
One minute I'm hot
The next I am cold!

My mood swings are wicked,
They frighten my dog!            
I'm forgetful it's scary,
I'm all in a fog!

I yell at the kids,
I yell at the pets.
My poor sweet husband            
Thinks I have tourettes!

My hormones are racing!
They won't slow down.
One minute I smile,                
The next, I just frown

Could it be that 
Im starting to change?
As my crazy hormones        
Try to rearrange?

Why is my belly
Beginning to grow?
And my metabolism            
Moving so slow?

I now gain a pound 
When I look at pie!
I'm stuck eating carrots        
I just want to cry!

The men have it made.
It's just so unfair!
They don't need a doctor        
To fix stuff DOWN THERE!

My bladder is weak,
I pee when I sneeze!            
My skin gets so itchy,
Feels like I have fleas!

I'm itchy and mean,
I now need Depends.            
When will this crazy
Hormone stuff end?

I want it to end
I wanna be free                
I wanna go back
To just being me!

Please happen quickly!
I'll deal with the flaws.        
Lord help me make it 
Through ol' menopause!