Our Father Resigned

Father Resigned

You should've tried harder 
Because you were our father
We needed your loving words 
We were learning our self worth
Watching you and your new wife fight 
At that age our own ideas of love and relationship were forming 
There are so many things 
We never should have seen
One that sticks out the most 
Of all the wrong we were shown .
When you let your wife's insecurities keep you away from Jenny and me .
Your daughter from another mother 
Once told us you never cared .
And that's why you started a new family 
And all  about the life with them you shared 
That's why we were so mad 
You should've taken every opportunity you had to see us
The last time I saw you 
Only by fait because mom was in hospital too
I only went in to see you because my brother talked me into it 
Hard as I tried to fight it inside I was so bitter .
I barely spoke to you  and never looked you in the eye 
My brother Ron must have somehow subconsciously known or God nudged him tell me 
"Hug him and tell him you love him " Right now forget that you're angry " Someday he'll be gone and you'll be mad at yourself .You'll never forgive yourself if you don't .
I did what I could in that moment and without hugging him I walked out the door ..But on my way out I did say "I hope you feel better " I love you " But  I'm mad at you still.
Only one month later on new years day I sat up from deep sleep and said "uh oh " 
Then started shaking my husband .I said someone's heart just stopped I felt it and in that second mine did too .
As I was finishing that sentence the phone began to ring .
I knew it was bad I knew someone was gone .
One month earlier when I last saw my dad , while seeing my mom they said she wasn't going to be with us long 
When the phone rang I assumed it was going to be her but my sister confirmed it was our father .
It's funny how we can carry so much anger and pain ..So much it blocks the love out , it's buried beneath the blame .
I loved that man despite his lack of effort 
He was our father , the gift of life he gave us .
In one second 30 years of what I thought was hate was released in tears on my face .A hundred ways I could've tried harder I could have forgiven ..I never even bothered to ask him any questions . 
Was it all true ? 
Did he really never try ?
The other side of my family tells me that was all lies .
They say that it wasn't his wife 
They say moms side of the family wouldn't allow him to see us 
The only concrete hurt I can pin on him wholeheartedly because I saw it .The second time and last time he ever bought me a gift was for my birthday . He brought them to me .They were birthstone earings and as I thought this is two months early .I opened them without asking why so early only to realize he didn't remember his first born daughter wasn't born in March but in may . 
It was atleast five years before I would even listen to a word he would say .
Yes he had five kids and some have said it wasn't so bad he had too many kids to keep track of the thought is what counts ..But how could he forget the first day he became a father ? 
Guess he would've been spared had it been later .He could've had a cell with a calendar reminder .
 I guess as I type this I realize I'm still bitter 
But one thing I know is history won't be repeating 
I'm far from perfect but he didn't create a quitter .