Perspective (composition of poems)

Perspective
Ajla Mesinovic

It's called love

Fathers and mothers
Growing up
They’re perceived as people by your side
Not everyone had that
I never considered it important
They were people amongst the rest of humanity
Wishing you the best
Not relatable to me

When you find someone who complies with you
It’s a whole new world
You can smell the fresh air
Cleaned by the nature in sight
You can see your future
You call
You see them
Eventually
The jealousy will eat at you
The trust may die
You may be by yourself
This is why you learn to love yourself
Before anything

You can talk endlessly
Like there’s a forever
Even if there isn’t
You kill time
Your stomach hurts
When you’re not around them
You see why they’re so beautiful
Like they were taken individually
From everyone else
And sculpted like a sculpture
That is a replica of the world.
They’re your world
They’re yours

You weren’t there.
I tried to hold your hand.
Instead you used that hand
Against me.
Turned my face blue
Made everything seem darker than it was.
I went on my own
To discover the good
But very little existed.
What was there
Was what i took for granted.
Which was the product of your mistake
The beginning of a harsh end.
Didn’t know how to live
To do the things the other kids did.
Simple things
As when kids played on the playground.
No idea of the happiness
The world held.

I was like a stone
Picked up and thrown to the ground.
Was in pieces but
The wind took it’s place
Carried me through the harshness.
The rain put it together.
I socialized with others.
Came together.
I was new
Just like a diamond made from dust.

It seems I was always the one to try.
I talked
Seemingly to myself.
No one was listening
Maybe that’s why it ended.
I was isolated
Twas the mistake between us.

It’s blurry,
The doctors can’t even help.
I can not be saved,
It’s gone too deep.
This wound isn’t met for fixing
It was put in it’s place by god.
It was there for a reason
To inspire others and make amends.
Do better than what they did to me
See the world and help for the better.

How do you have the power
To do all of this?
Kill the inside of a person
Leave them wondering.
Change your view on the world
On your outcome..
Leave you wanting to be hanging
From a tree branch.
Unable to be seen while
Caught in the spell.
Afterwards,
Thinking of all mistakes.
Unable to discover what happened
Like you’re a blank page
Being torn in half.
No purpose,
But still happening.

Let’s make each other lose our minds
Like stories from the fairytales.
Beauty and the beast,
The old school love where it doesn’t exist.
Be legendary together,
Grow and change each other’s mind.
Make positivity rain,
Make this relationship real like
The ring on my finger.
It’s not about the attention,
But the feeling and the person you crave.
It’s about how you want to live,
Who to be by your side when you’re almost not alive.

Everyone was individually sculpted,
To fit another’s needs.
We took the meaning of life,
We made it about the cash and the fast cars.
Originally created for
Love
And surviving.
Those times are over,
Now we confuse love with attention.

Hallucinogens , Stimulants, n’ Depressants
‘Toxins’

Used as a getaway
Like a yearly trip to a foreign country
To take your mind to a foreign world
Like a green planet your brain put together
In a span of 2 seconds
Making your mind spin
Your eyes wobble
Your legs unsure of directory
It’s a happiness
Found by emitting fumes from your mouth
To the fresh air
Infecting it with
The poison that makes your mind relax

When you’re up
And don’t know how to get down,
Don’t come to me.
You’re in an alternate reality
While mine is real.
When you’re in the real one,
Then come and see
If you still feel the same.
But don’t think you’re allowed
To come in and use me.
Just because you’re under an influence
Doesn’t mean I’ll act like it’s ok.

When there’s not much to do
Than to think of the mistakes,
You take a toll on your liver
Fill your body
And empty the cup.
Can’t open the file cabinets in your brain,
Tired of the thoughts.
Drowning your eyes so much
Everything blurs.
You’re away from the world.

When tragedy hits
And you can’t handle yourself.
You get a grip on other things,
Such as what you’re going to inhale next.
You want to feel like you’re floating,
Instead of the thought that
There’s an anchor latched onto you.
You want to be the floatie
For a child,
Saving them
Meanwhilst making use of yourself.
Entertaining yourself
With something other than
What’s written on the anchor.

When you want to make a getaway,
And have nothing to lose,
You might choose the devil’s plant.
It’ll take control of your mind,
Be the happiness you never had.
It’ll come unnaturally,
But it’ll make itself nature while
Taking in the smoke.
It’ll feel like heaven,
While the smoke resembles the clouds up in there.
Maybe that was the purpose,
To take you to heaven.
But they named it devil’s plant,
For those who haven’t tried,
See it as a resemblance of an unnatural item,
Taking advantage of your body.
But I, thought differently,
It was not taking advantage like men take
Of girl’s bodies when unwanted and unconscious.
There is where people get confused,
With the truth and the thoughts.
The good-doers aren’t used to it,
They go with the rest of the wave.
Others tried new things
To make them happier.
That’s what matters in the end,
How you feel.

Body Difference

You were different,
You had the thick thighs
The pretty face.
That’s what they saw,
And wanted.
Don’t get wants
And love mixed up.

The only time you were there,
Was when it was convenient for you.
When you saw the big bootys,
Like the porn stars,
You fall in love.
Unaware of what love it,
The girl will go right back for you.
That’s the mistake girl’s make,
They let their booty
Be the entrance into their heart.

These days,
We’re more worried about
Our bra size,
Than story size.
We fill our teen years,
With sexual memories
For future reminiscing,
Instead of creating a future,
Filled of money and love
Rather than regret and sex.
We blind our pain,
With the use of our bodies,
Rather than set up of successful outcomes.

She looks in the mirror,
In awe of herself,
And her glorious body.
Yet hates on the other girls,
Trying to achieve what she already has.
But that’s what we’re taught,
Competition.
No love towards each other,
Just try to look your best,
Impress the most,
That’s not what we’re made for.

Her curves from head to toe,
Is what attracted all the boys to her.
Her mind,
Whom no one paid attention to,
Was filled with rhymes
And stories to tell, like no one else.
No one taught about her thoughts,
The way she thought was beautiful.
Filled with romance, abuse,
Yet still positive deep, deep down inside.
All the people on the outside made her insecure,
So she went and showed off her voice.
It paid off,
Because now the ones who’re real,
Came at her feet,
Madly in love.

Your body was not made,
To be abused.
It was made,
To discover,
To glow,
And to appreciate the art that god made.

Don’t let anyone tell you,
What their perception of fat is.
If they believe it’s you,
Ignore them.
Because in the end,
It’s not about their closed minded opinions,
It’s about what your mind holds.
That’s something people are yet to discover.

Almost everything in your lower body
Has an explanation.
It’s not a place
To fall in love.
Your mind is the key to falling in love,
How you think,
Your beliefs,
Your daily thoughts,
The way you move,
Everything is held in your mind.
The place truly to be explored,
And not yet fully discovered.

Your head holds ;
Your eyes,
Where you’re able to see others and the views
That god put in place for you to see.
Your mouth,
To please your taste buds,
To communicate,
To create beautiful sounds.
Your nose,
To smell the delicious foods the planet has to offer.
Your ears,
To hear what’s happening,
To keep yourself safe.
Your chin,
To lay on your hand,
When sitting in the desk,
Tired and staring at a blank screen.
Your mind is the key to it all,
Where you can figure what to write,
Keep your eyes open,
And think to yourself what pleases you.
That’s the beauty of your entire body.
Your mind.

It’s funny to think,
Your eyes are what control what you can see,
But your mind creates the thoughts of what your eyes see.
It’s a confusing process,
But beautiful.

Body count is something that matters to me,
It shows how many bodies you went through,
With little love during the time.
It shows how much time before,
You try to make me the next one
In the running.
I’m not racing though,
I’m just running.

World Mystery

Time is immortal
Can be killed
Yet can be rescheduled.
It is altered by the universe,
While we spin,
It moves.
Yet we take advantage of this time,
Even though at any moment,
Time could stop and
We can be gone.

Time is what holds us together,
It is the product of the universe
Including earth and the sun,
Gravitational pull,
And all living things.
Without time,
Nothing would add up
Nor make sense.

Time is like
The seeds in an apple.
They can be used
Or thrown away like they’re nothing.
It can create a beautiful thing
Which complies with nature,
Or be in a pile of nothing
Rotting and turning to dirt.

This beautiful place,
Made of green
Which clears the air of toxins
And is prickly to the feet
and
Colorful mills
Whom supply the sweet treat
For the little buzzing creatures,
Who create wonderful treats
For the humans of the world.
We are still yet to realize the effort put into
The work
By these little creatures,
Who casually buz and roam around,
Finding more and more sweets to be delivered
And created into a snack.
Imagine this,
Compare to our work of simply taking their
Art and turning it into something
We want.
But were we the ones who were suppose to take it?

Thoughts Straight From The Mind

All these relationship goal
Photos flood your camera roll
As if one day it’ll be you,
The dream becomes a faint reality
When you believe it has become you

The weak ones
Tend to be the ones who tell,
They spill like tsunamis.
Nothing can be done around them,
They cannot be trusted.
You’re already used to things
Far more complicated than
They’ve ever went through
Yet you can be trusted,
You keep your voice hidden within.

Sometimes you can’t only hold yourself down,
You need another human being.
Someone to hold you,
Or tell you it’s okay.
When the loneliness hits,
It goes deep within you,
Eating at your thoughts
And making you want to vanish.

Sometimes I can feel my soul crushing.
Similar feeling to when you get heartbroken,
You feel like your stomach is getting torn
But your mind on a different planet.
Unable to think,
Nor believe what’s happening around yourself.
Everything feels unreal,
Like you’re in an alternate reality.
Yet you have to tell yourself
It’ll be okay one day when you realize the reality.
But you don’t know.
Sometimes I lay my head down
And I’m unable to move
Despite any text I get,
Despite who’s calling my name,
Nothing matters,
In those few moments
Where I can’t move a muscle,
Where I can only feel the breaking of my spirit
And nothing else,
It’s the lowest you’ll ever feel.
The feeling is unexplainable
Almost as if you’re paralyzed
But breaking on the inside

Find someone
Who matches your
Compatibility and mentality.

Never sell yourself short
For someone who gave his all
Towards small town hoes
Don’t be disappointed
When you figure I’m not enough
Because I always knew
But I let you try
I was wrong to believe
You were a different type of species

They’re all followers
Of the wave
But you’re the one
Who creates a new one
Like a tsunami
And they’re the wind keeping it moving.

We learned to prioritize the people
Who like to use us
But impress us from the mouth
Inflicting confusion upon us
With love and being a game.

You were the light
At the end of a long tunnel
Yet at the end of the tunnel
It turned out dark,
Then we became closer,
And you become a flame.

When I couldn’t find myself
I went to you for directory
Thinking you could save me,
But instead,
You ruined me.

I crave company
Your voice
The head on your shoulder
Your lips on mine
The thought of someone there with you
The fact you’re not alone
You become emerged in a person
Real close and fantasizing.

Sometimes I miss nights in my bed
I’d lay up wishing for someone like you
To just make me happy
Not even imagining the long run
And looking like a fool.

You broke me
Into millions of pieces
Like when anger hits and
You throw your cup across the room.
It hits
It breaks.
You did that to me.
Hit me with fake love
Then broke me with the real love
When you didn’t tell me you were leaving
But you fell for someone else.

Don’t blame me
For wanting to rid of myself
After what has happened to me,

A healthy substitute for tears
Was a grin upon my face
But it didn’t happen
And people started calling me sour patch
Because I gave sour looks
And my heart needed some stitching up.

Some girls claimed it easy.
To pick up and get back on your feet,
But what happened - destroyed me.
The capacity worn out in my brain
Made it hard to tell myself to move.
Overflooded with thought,
I was giving up
But it all seemed fine.

The way I thought was different from others
I was more open minded
And I thought about the future of my choices
They chose,
Unworried,
They were raised that way..
No worries

I was raised a different way
I was to be more careful
I was punished for anything thought to be wrong
But they were the wrong ones
Making the wrong choices

What they did..
My experience

I don’t think I’ll ever be okay
The way your hands touched me
Such a negative energy
Coming from the first people to lay eyes on me
Coming from the people who made an irresponsible choice and had me
I was a mistake in their eyes

I was a wall
I iscolated them
I was a child
They broke the wall
They tried to destroy it in all
Yet I stay standing here,
In broken pieces
But here.

They iscolated me
They made me feel like there’s no other world
Than the one they built for me to feel hurt in
That was where they were wrong..
Yes,
I felt them hurting me more than anyone
But there was other pains
Not just the physical ones
I didn’t have any trust
Or perception of love
Or frankly any notion of relationships
Including friendships
I never understood it
I was never taught anything

I was raised by close-minded people
Everyday I wonder why I still stand here
Alive and breathing
When I don’t want to be here.
I never chose to be here.
I would never wish this life upon anyone.

They never understood me
Or my goal in life
They didn’t even understand themselves
But somehow they knew how to cause me a lifetime
Of pain
Just pain

I am not like these other kids.
I was not allowed to laugh
I was yelled at for laughing
I was not allowed any friends
I was put down for everything I had done
I made a lot of mistakes
And each one became harder and harder
Because my punishments got to me emotionally
And now,
They’re becoming physical
To where I can barely hold my hand up anymore..
And I can barely even think about my life without a river down my face.

I am secluded from everything.
I cannot experience friendship
I cannot experience taking cute pictures of myself
I cannot go see a movie
Or eat ice cream with friends.
I can be punched and kicked
Have my hair pulled out
.. unable to finish

It is sad to think all these teenagers
Get to live their life while they’re young.
They are allowed to make mistakes
And talk to their parents about how to fix them
And go on study dates with their friends
And go out to eat
Watch football games
Go and watch the scary movies
Go to parties
Go to school dances
Do sports
But I wasn’t able to do any of it
I kept everything in my life a secret
I was unable to express my feelings
Or passion for anything
Because my family iscolated me from everything they could.
I have justified reasoning to end life
I have no meaning or reason to stay
It’s a horrible life
For anyone
My friends feel my pain
And they feel pity for me
I stay up each night crying
I have nobody

There’s no support system with me
I cannot communicate with aquaintnances
Nor my own family
I cannot see friends
There’s no way to talk
Or have a normal conversation
I am constantly accused
Of doing things
Completely irrelevant to me
I never understood my parents for that reason
Everything they said..
Was all irrelevant to me.
I never did anything they accused me of doing
And I will never want to be considered their daughter.

Unlike them,
I am nice
I am respectful
I think about my choices
And I try to accomplish things.
They try to stop me constantly
And I might stop and give up
And when it happens
I hope they do regret everything they’ve done to me.
I have only tried to please other people
I am ungreatful with this life given to me
And I’d like to give it back.

The things they say
Give me a pain in the chest
Even their kicks don’t hurt as much
It breaks my heart
That the people who’re supposed to be there
For my whole life and support me
Are alcoholics
Who only remember the bad memories
And the mistakes.

I don’t believe my pain will ever end
This has left scars
And I will never forget
I grew up with a shitty background
And I’m not happy with it.
I would not wish my spouse to have to deal with me
Or children who would feel pity
Or be sad for me,
I don’t want any of it.

I think I’m starting to lose meaning in god
And in a purpose in life.
There might be no purpose
Maybe we’re here to die,
Maybe I shouldn’t be here
And god accidentally put me here
Like the dinosaurs before they were wiped out
Maybe he realized it was a mistake.
I wouldn’t disagree.

I never met a parent
Who puts their children down constantly..
A child who gets honor roll each year
Who attempted sports for a year
Who listens to and does what they’re told
Who learned from mistakes
Who made up for their mistakes
Who tries to help
Who takes care of their child
Who raised THEIR child for 3 years
Lastly,
A child who had a good future ahead of themselves.
I am that child
But constantly I am put down
And constantly I have to relive the pains they like to give me
I think my biggest struggle is when
I can’t even scratch my head
Because there’s bruises all over
It hurts if I try to put my hair up
Because the night before it was pulled and pulled
When I can’t turn my head to a certain extent
Because last night he held my head in a 90 degree angle
While getting me to admit to things I never did.
It hurts my soul
When I try to raise my hand in class
Or stretch in gym
And I can’t keep it up
Because the night before
I was pulled on and hit with a baseball bat.
It hurts when I walk on my tippy toes
Because the night before he stood on my legs and held me down.
It’s hard to comprehend that
And it’s hard to understand why I was given this life

The worst part of my experience
Is privileged people.
When I can’t run 4 laps in gym
And I get told I’m not putting any effort in
Is hard because
I cannot say
The night before was when I got beat
And my spirit was put down.
I cannot say that I was not allowed to sleep.
That I only slept 3 hours.
I cannot say that I am sick and
On the verge of killing myself.
Those are words for myself..
And people cannot understand my effort,
I put a bit too much into everything I do
But soon enough there will be no effort
Because I will not be here.
These people don’t know what it’s like
To be abused and to be constantly wondering why everything you do is wrong.

It’s upsetting
When you cannot talk to your best friend
And you cannot tell them you’re okay
And you cannot talk about your problems
Because it leads to endings in friendship..
Loss of communication
Not seeing each other
And that’s what I’m scared of the most.
That’s the one person I do not want to lose.

I find myself thinking my mistakes are the worst things ever.
I was taught this way,
Everything wrong that I did
Was showing just another way I failed in life.
I was body shamed by them
I was put down
Told I’d be a prostitute
Or living on the streets
Yet they ignored every effort I put into schooling
Or trying to fix the family
All they worried about is their margaritas
And left me with the little kid who began their stress
And then it leads me to wonder if the little one is the mistake
Is he the one who started this?
If he wasn’t here, would I be happy?
It’s a terrible thought
But you’re forced to live in terrible thought when
You’re secluded from everything else other than your mind.

They tried to make me close minded.
Believe any religion other than ours was bad
And anyone other than my ethnicity wasn’t good
I was raised in a close minded setting
That I should not live my life when I’m young
I was taught to keep my legs closed
Mouth shut
Head down
And away from socializing.
I broke all the rules
Because I am not a close minded person
I like diversity and enjoying my life.
They’ve ruined every aspect of my life but I will try and come back up
They should not live a free life
While I’m stuck in the basement
Writing poems because
I cannot communicate with anyone else
Other than myself
From my head to my fingers.
That is all I have.

I was forced to be closed off from other people and learn my own way of living. I did not go by rules or laws, I went by my right and wrong which I was never taught the difference from. That’s what upset me.. Not knowing how these girls knew what they wanted to be and who they wanted to be friends with. I was unsure of everything. I never understood the difference between laying in my bed and robbing a bank because I got the same punishment for right and wrong.