Please erase my pain. I just want to feel normal again

27/01/2021
Please erase my pain.
I just want to feel normal again

Pain,
happiness, 
Anguish and smiling in vein.
Illness stricken,
Now c9uld be taking over my heart.
Whats next?
My brain.
No wonder I don't feel the same. 
Seems that in life,
I've not much left to gain.
So I'm going to keep this simple.
Nice and plain.
this isn't my death note.
Although that stroke feels not so far in the distance.
The reaper,
in Waiting,
to take me away.
I've never been scared of dying,
So why fear now.
I've just got to enjoy my living to its entirety,
some way,
Some how.
No matter what news I'm given,
I'm still gonna squeeze the eternal life out of me.
like a farmer,
Milking a cow,
Squeezing its teats!
If not,
 it shall devour and feed on thee,
quicker than can be seen.
Giving up on life isn’t an option for me.
I’d rather be something,
Not daily canon fodder for the piranhas to eat.

When’s it going to stop.
And which one,
My cancer or my curse.
Both would be preferable.
Each of them gone,
Would surely loosen my purse.
I’m not talking fairy tales or dungeons and dragons.
There’s no myth,
Just a hearth,
 For this life of mine.
Although when written on paper,
It seems make believe,
With no limits to its dimensions of girth.
I feel trapped between 2 worlds,
And have done since I can remember, 
After my birth.

Always feeling on the fringe of family life.
Although it was perfect.
We had no worries,
No strife.
So why do I always feel I’m the black sheep,
 now I’m an adult.
I know I’m wired differently,
To my own family.
Christ,
No ones known the real me,
Since I was the tender age,
of just 13.
As I started Smoking pot properly then.
living the dream,
Especially when other drugs entered the fray,
 the scene.
Not realising the rot,
Inside of my being.

Money,
Drugs and Alcohol.
We thought we were the dons of our ‘village’.
Going on rare raves,
Drugs for days.
Mentally mind fucked,
On so many levels, 
In so many ways.

I look back at my life and wonder if the damage was done,
Whilst drugged and dazed.
Although I’ve been assured  it’s not.
I can’t help thinking it anyways.
My cancer derived,
Through my early drink and drug takings days!
I wish I were normal,
Not so much time spent,
In a damn hospital bay.
Just let me live,
And savour every second of every day.
Please Join us back together,
To our 9 person family array!
XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX